The Pseudo Fat Chick

This Blog Has Not Been ABANDONED!!!

2010-04-13T11:28:00.000-04:00

I have been having major difficulties with my computer so for the past couple of months my internet access had been limited to the most necessary of tasks. Today I have a rare moment of timem in which to update my progress. I did weigh myself on the 5th and hit 185.5. Not 5 pounds and not exactly on target but it is pretty darn close. With exercise I have limited myself to 5 days a week instead of 7 and have slacked up on strcit calorie counting so that I can try and transition myslef into a world that is not completely restricted to good and bad foods.

In the past month I have also been to the doctor a number of times. I have had stomach issues that have become severe within the last year. I occasionally get stomach spasms every few months that last for a day and then taper off within a week. These attacks have been occurring for the last 10 years or so. Since they are not a constant occurance I have not been to the doctor about them. Now that my stomach issues have become a problem (Irritation occurs after eating almost anything these days) and because I believe that I should be taking better care of myself I decided it was about time to have the problem professionally checked out. It turns out I have gall stones. Fantastic. Further more it turns out that my body is unable to digest properly. Great. So I have been trying to take it easy and be a little kinder to myself; taking a day off if I need it and the like.

This month it is my goal to try something new by way of exercise. I have been doint the same workouts for a while. Adding heavier weights and changing positions to make moves more difficult has been working to ensure the continuation of porgression but it has done little for motivation. I am in desperate need of a workout overhaul.

Weigh In #2...Since I've Been Gone

2010-03-08T01:49:00.002-05:00

It's been a while. I've been at my sister's place and didn't work out for a whole week. It wasn't the best time ever but I have to admit that I needed the break from exercise. I hadn't noticed how much stress I was putting on my knees until I tried to do some "light" exercise while my niece and nephew were at school and I had trouble doing basic squats and quickly deciding to lay off for a while. Being with my sister was also equaled a not so good food situation. She's an LPN and works the night shift.
She gets home in time to take the kids to school. Then instead of going to sleep she likes joy ride around her neighborhood for hours. Meanwhile, I'm stuck at her place without food because she doesn't seem to buy groceries. I'm unable to leave because I am without key to her place. When she did come back I of course mention that I have been starving all day and didn't want to leave with her door open to the public for a free shopping spree she says, "okay we'll go the store and get something. Before I could put my shoes on she's gone only to reappear hours later with the kids and McDonalds. Always McDonalds or some type of fast food. So for the past five days my eating habits have been horrific: not eating anything until 1 or 2 in the afternoon (usually Ramen noodles or a bag of chips), then something at night, usually some type of take out. Awful I know. But I'm home now and have been back to normal eating for the past few days so I thought it would be safe to weigh in yesterday, the 7th.

WEIGH IN!!!!!!!!!

I weighed in early in the morning and the scale read 189. Since my eating had been off and I had not worked out in a week I thought that the scale was mistaking a week of t my day and weighed myself again in the evening-189. So I'm sticking with 189. I'll weigh myself tomorrow just to be sure my scale isn't playing an evil trick on me. For now I can Celebrate! Down five more pounds!

Suffering From Malnutrition? You might be...

2010-02-23T14:40:00.002-05:00

I'm currently watching YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT on BBC America. Dr. Gillian McKeith made me stop and think about the things I eat. Gillian McKeith is very up front and in your face about what the wrong foods can do to your body. For example, she's told a woman that she must be suffering from lack of sex drive, examines people for oral thrush...she even examines their poo describing in detail the size, shape, consistency, and smell and what it all means for their overall health! On today's episode she is helping a woman who ingests 28000 calories a week (said to be enough to sustain 2 people for a week) of which is mainly sugar. She told Joanne, the participant, that sugar is hard for the body to digest. I knew refined sugars were not the best for you and turned into fat more readily than other food substances but I didn't realize that the body has to crank into overdrive from that Hershey's bar I ate last week! I guess it's like the liver working over time to process the carbonic acid in soda...hmmmm. Anyway, she also told Joanne that despite the fact that she weighs 22 stones (308 pounds. According to Gillian is 140 pounds or 10 stones overweight) she is in fact malnourished. Her body is ingesting an enormous amount of food but it's the WRONG kind of food for her body to run properly. What do you think about that?!

For each participant who calls on Dr. McKeith for help they are monitored for a week to track exactly what they are eating and then they get all of that food and spread it out on a table for them to see exactly what's going in while the narrator reads down the list. Here's an example of the dreaded table of food. If you had to put a weeks worth of the food you've been eating on a massive table would you be proud or seriously refiguring your diet?

Flat Feet=Shin Splints

2010-02-23T09:12:00.002-05:00

I barely got through my workout on Friday because a bad case of shin splints. A week before I was hindered by a very sore knee that stopped me from completing squats and lunges effectively so instead of fighting through the pain I took some time off this weekend and didn't workout. Since I didn't exercise I had convinced myself to take it easy and went a little crazy with the food. Saturday, not bad, but on Sunday it's like I couldn't shovel the food in fast enough. The result? Stomach pain like you would not believe all night long. It's a wonder I got any sleep at all. Lesson learned? I certainly hope so!

Yesterday I still had a little pain in my knee and modified each exercise to avoid unnecessary stress. It may be time to invest in a better pair pf shoes. Any suggestions? I have very low arches...okay so I'm flat footed so I need all the help I can get. Even a good orthotic suggestion would be appreciated.

Also, Michelle of A HEALTHIER ME informed me that the comments function was not working on this blog. After fighting with the template and numerous trips to Blogger Help I finally got the comments to work....COMMENT AT WILL!

Fitness Goals

2010-02-19T23:22:00.005-05:00

It may sound weird to the people that know me to think that I have always wanted to become a civil servant and join the National Guard or the Army Reserves but have always been too afraid. Once upon a time it was afraid of getting hurt but recently it has been the fact that I wouldn't be able to get through any type of physical activity. I was further disheartened when I looked up the requirements for the Army Reserve and found that I was too heavy according to their physical fitness guidelines. Regardless of that fact I wrote down the fitness components and stored them away. Even more so that becoming a part of the armed forces I am very interested in becoming a police officer. That may not happen any time soon but it has definitiely become my motivation to push myself every time I workout. A look at the local police academy video for Orlando (it's 27 minutes long but if you can watch the first 2 minutes and see how intense the women are in this program-thay are training just as hard and as intensely as the men) will show you just how in shape you need to be before you get to the academy and how hard you have to work once accepted. I mean just look at the Police Women of Broward County or the new crop of women to hit the tv spotlight in the new series Police Women of Maricopa County (Both series air on TLC, Maricopa being the new county for the second season to air on the 25th of this month). These women mean business.

MINIMUM FITNESS STANDARDS

At a minimum, each law enforcement and corrections recruit must meet the fitness standards listed below. Recruits will be assessed on each exercise at the beginning and end of their academy, and must participate in the physical training and defensive tactics mandated by the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, Criminal Justice Standards & Training Commission.

Push-ups: Complete at least 15 push-ups in one minute

Sit-ups: Complete at least 25 sit-ups in one minute

Vertical Leap: Leap vertically at least 12 inches above their reach

1.5 Mile Run: Complete a 1.5 mile run in 18 minutes or less

300 Meter Run: Run 300 meters in 75 seconds or less

Physical fitness at the academy is intense, be physically fit on the first day. Our instructors and your classmates need you to be in the great shape on the day you start.

So now I am working on building my endurance up to begin the recommended at home training

Preparation Instructions:

Build up to running 3 miles a day, 4 times a week.

(One method to achieve this goal is to jog for 2 minutes then brisk walk for 1 minute and repeat for 30 to 40 minutes. Work your way down to jogging for 3-5 minutes and walking for 45 seconds. Keep reducing the walk time until you aren’t walking anymore.)

When the run is over, immediately drop down and do as many sit-ups as you can (until it is impossible to complete another repetition). Take a 10 second break and then repeat twice more.

When you are finished with the sit-ups, immediately drop down and do as many pushups as you can (until it is impossible to complete another repetition). Take a 10 second break and then repeat twice more.

When you are finished with the push-ups, complete 5 squat jumps (jumping as high as you can every time). Take a 10 second break and then repeat twice more.

I see ENABLERS!

2010-02-19T22:43:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been MIA for the past week but...life happens.
So, I've been thinking a lot about the season premier episode of RUBY on STYLE this past Sunday. The overwhelming topics were DENIAL and ENABLING. I had to really think about that. It's hard to label anyone as an enabler, especially if they are close to you but acknowledging the fact that it may be happening will only help you in the long run.

I ended up staying with my grandmother for three days. While she has low fat everything, makes a big deal out of every calorie she puts in her mouth, and often throws around derogatory remarks about fat people when she saw me she made a comment on how I was looking good. I told her that I had been working out to which she said, "If you lose any more you'll be too thin." WAIT A MINUTE! This coming from the woman who told me that I was still young and had time to take off the fat a week or so earlier? Hmmmmm. Her husband is the same way. He constantly makes comments about my single status and the fact that if I would lose some weight I would look more approachable and maybe I could catch a guy. HATER!

Then there's my mother. In all her infinite witticism constantly brings up the fact that I'm on a diet and can't eat [fill in the blank], laughs, and then gives whatever it is to me anyway....WHAT? GGRRRRRR. Family.
With this nonsense going on I have to ignore their hater-aid and keep my goals in mind.

Denial was topic number 2. When it comes to denial I find that I am the master when it comes to food. If I am tracking the calories I eat in a day I will sometimes eat the extra cookie and not count it because, hey, it's just one more cookie. But isn't that how it all starts? In instances like this I have to channel Dr. Phil: "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge," fess up and move on.

How do you deal with enablers, denial, and all of that?

HIP HIP HOORAY...

2010-02-14T19:36:00.004-05:00

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!!!

Okay so I'm not that enthusiastic about today but like many people that doesn't stop me from indulging in the finer delicacies provided by the holiday: chocolate, cupcakes with pink and red frosting, heart shaped cookies...all of it. Thank you St. Valentine!!! There would have been a time when I would have used this day to eat an entire box of donuts by myself because-it's a holiday. But I didn't do so bad. I ate what I wanted and reminded myself that if I was still hungry I could go back for more-IF I am still hungry and if not there is always more for tomorrow. So this weekend has there been some overeating? YES. Will there be more? Probably, but within reason. The exercise doesn't stop!

I am also excited that tonight the season premeire of
RUBY
airing on the

STYLE Network @8pm

If you're not familiar with Ruby: Ruby is a native of Savannah Georgia and at one time in her life weighed 716 pounds. When viewers met Ruby she weighed over 500 pounds. Through diet and exercise she has become successful in dropping an amazing 200+ pounds and counting. In addition to using traditional weightloss techniques Ruby has had to go through what many who take on any type of weight loss endeavor and get real about why she eats, when she eats, and the past that has been holding her back from becoming healthier sooner. GO RUBY!!!

Here's a couple of videos of Ruby explaining her journey and a clip of Ruby talking about her weight loss and the show.

Vegan Cheese and a Rockin' Sock Workout

2010-02-11T19:09:00.001-05:00

Today I woke up to a ham and cheese with egg sandwich mad with bread, egg beaters, low sodium reduced fat ham, and veggie cheese. I have had vegetarian cheese before and it was NOT anything I would have ever eaten again but this stuff was pretty good and it is only 40 calories a slice! Cool beans (See pic on the left. This is the exact cheese I had). I'll put cheese of all types on almost anything so for me this is a huge plus. Later, after spending four hours at the nearest AARP free tax-aide site I had a six inch roast beef sub from Subway which was excellent.

I thought I my not get a chance to workout since I am at my grandmother's house but I was able to access the workouts I had scheduled for today on the internet. The only problem I had was having to do both Jillian Michaels' Shred 2 and Kendall Hogan's Bootcamp Calorie Burn in my socks on the carpet. Besides being obsessed with calories my grandmother also has a no shoes in the house policy so I didn't even bother trying to wear shoes in the carpeted room I used (she also has plastic mats lining the floor in her bedroom and as I sit here and type it's through a layer of plastic she has wrapped around the keyboard!). But I survived it even though I thought I was going to slip and crack my head open a few times doing skaters and squat thrusts so I eventually took my socks off. I may be home tomorrow but who knows...another sock workout?

To Gradmother's House We Go

2010-02-10T09:31:00.002-05:00

I plan to spend the day with my grandmother so I got up and worked out this morning from 8:40 to 10:15. Everything in me told me to stay asleep but I begrudgingly rolled out of bed and got onto the elliptical and watched Monday's episode of Heroes I missed On Demand. Then did Cindy Whitmarsh's Less is More Cardio. I couldn't believe I got through it-but I'm glad I did. Spending the day with your grandmother would send most people trying to lose weight screaming for the hills being that grandmothers like to spoil you with food. I don't have that type of grandmother. For as long as I can remember she has exercised and counted every calorie and fat gram she has ever put into her mouth. When I went to her house to visit for a few days over the Christmas holiday she and my aunt spent many a long night obsessing over what they ate that day or the caloric content of a corn flake! I always feel like a cow around them but I refuse to be compulsive about food because food is meant to be enjoyed. PERIOD! I'm staying with her tonight so there is bound to be some non fat, minimal calorie, shouldn't have had that cookie talk...wish me luck.

Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 2

2010-02-09T12:58:00.002-05:00

Last Straw Moment #2
I was able to keep the weight off but I wasn't at my "goal" weight. My social life blossomed and I was very active in school the next few years. I was assistant director of the women's center, the vice president of the Clown Alley on campus, and so on and so forth. Every time I went somewhere there was food. Most of the social time spent with friends was eating. I put on some weight but didn't think to much about it because it was "only 5 pounds" (It was really 10 pounds). By the end of my junior year I was starting to feel a little junky but I chalked it up to stresses of responsibility. Senior year started-I became the director of the women's center and I had gained most of the weight back. The year started and I was pulling double duty with 18 credit hours, two jobs (women's center and student coordinator at the health center), campus ministry responsibilities, life groups, homework and preparation for graduation, all of it. The biggest stressor was the women's center because my board and I weren't clicking like we should have and the stress was unreal. This last straw moment I call the F*@# It Moment. I was walking to my office and just gave up. I literally stopped in the middle of the brick walkway and said F*@# IT! out loud. If I was going to be this tired and stressed every day I was at least going to find something that made me feel better because as I had convinced myself "I deserved It". So I turned around and went directly to the Hardess in the Union. So I didn't look like a typical fatty I stuffed the bag into my back pack and headed to my office. I dropped off the food and walked next door to the Starbucks (they built a free standing Starbucks in the middle of campus right next to my office) and got a Venti White Mocha Latte and ate all of it at my desk. This is how I ate every day for the rest of the year. Total weight 226 pounds. I told the cap and gown people that I was 200 pounds thinking that I weighed a lot but didn't look that heavy (DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL) and that maybe I would lose 5-10 pounds. I lost 4 by graduation at the end of April 2008 but my gown was a little tight and it was hotter than a mofo in the Tally Civic Center. I realized then that I had let myself go. By that time I had also stopped wanting to hang out with anyone and avoided many a phone call to go out because of the way I felt and looked. Not good.

I moved back home in August after graduation and lost 12 pounds from the stress of living with my mother. February 2009 I got a job filling in for a PE teacher and felt like crap because I was the fat PE teacher. I don't have a car so I ended up walking most places (riding the bus and walking to my destination or walking to and from work which is a 10 minute drive but a 90 minute walk) and lost 12 more pounds. I was also too tired to eat like had been eating when I got home. Walking to and from work and being out in the hot sun was enough to put me into a coma. Working as a PE teacher woke me up to the fact that I was completely out of shape. Most things I tried to get the students to do on the field I couldn't do without getting winded so I didn't and to me that was embarrassing. During the summer I worked at the same school as a camp counselor and I refused to do any physical activity with the kids because I was afraid of anyone seeing me out of breath or super sweaty. CRAZY!!! It made me realize how I have been holding myself back from succeeding after college because I am afraid of how people would perceive me becuase of my size. I was also pretty bitter. Unable to find work and living with my mom (we don't get along) made me think of all of the crap I have been holding onto from the past.

I realized that this is no way to live. I also realized that I am fat now but that doesn't always have to be the situation. Losing weight isn't just about becoming a stick. It's about bettering yourself from the inside out and I can see that now. I am focusing on making myself stronger, physically and mentally. I have been working on ways to deal with emotional and mental stress in other ways besides food; I am learning to let go and not allow stress and doubt to deter me from reaching my goals-weight loss and otherwise.
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So this weekend I reworked my workout schedule for the month so I won't have to worry about figuring out what to do for the day-I'll just do it. I have also tried to rewrite a list of things I would like to do. You know all of the things you leave off the list because you don;t think that YOU could possibly do them...

Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 1

2010-02-09T12:34:00.004-05:00

It's been a rough week. Motivation has been down and while I have been exercising I have not been in it to win it. Eating has been a mess and all over the place, and...I didn't exercise at all on Sunday! GASP! But I am back on the wagon.

I know this is a long post but I have to take the time and remember and acknowledge how I got to where I am now

I had to do a lot of reevaluating this week; I had to remember why I was working out in the first place which led me to remember what BitchCakes called MY LAST STRAW MOMENT (click the link to her page to read her last straw moment documented back in 2007). I have 2 last straw moments.

Last Straw Moment #1
I was starting college in 2004 which should have been an exciting time in my life but all I remember was going to freshman orientation over the summer and feeling like garbage the entire weekend. The first thing I noticed when walking into the ballrooms at Florida State were all of the tiny girls everywhere. I now see that I was in denial about my size. I had done ballet for 13 years so I was never really big but I thought I was compared to all of the waifs I danced with. When I stopped dancing I put on the pounds by eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I mean I would pile chips on a plate and by the end of the night have eaten the entire family size bag! I ate them and other snacks like it (crackers, oreos and other cookies, etc.) on a large plate because as long as I wasn't eating from the bag or carton I wasn't really overeating. YEAH RIGHT! Needless to say by the time I graduated from high school I was 195 pounds and very puffy looking. I kept telling myself that I was in fact bigger but I wasn't as big as [insert name here]-I just wasn't that fat. I even bought THE FIRM system I kept seeing on tv so I could, you know, "tone up a bit". But I wasn;t just a little bit bigger...I was FAT. I didn't start getting real about my problem until I graduated.

Aside from the fact that I was one of maybe 3 other larger females in the ballrooms I could no longer deny the physical condition I was in. I am from Central Florida so the ground is flat. In Tallahassee there are hills everywhere! What should have been a leisurley tour around campus turned into the most exhausting excursion I had ever experienced. I was already very uncomfortable standing next to all of the petite girls. We had yet do move and I was already sweating! As we trekked up hill after hill from building to building twice I thought I would either pass out or just dip out on my group and catch up with them somewhere later down the line. I though it can't be! I'm in great shape! OH THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES. By the end of the weekend I wanted to do nothing more than go home and never leave the house. I was hideous! But that event only made me depressed about the way I looked and my size and made me eat even more. I started school at FSU weighing 195 pounds. The first semester I spent avoiding my weight issues by focusing on classes and enjoying my freedom. But I wasn't enjoying it at all. I spent all of my time alone in my apartment watching tv. The thought of joining anything was simply out of the question. What would people think with me the big girl crashing their meeting. Going to the gym was laughable. I told myself fat people can't go to the gym (at least not at Florida State where everyone in the gym is there for maintenance). I even started scheduling classes around tv shows. That's when I knew there was a problem. By the second semester I was even more miserable. Spring break rolled around and I remember thinking "people are making plans for spring break and all you can do is go home beacuse you've secluded yourself from the real world beacuse you think you're too fat to be accepted". Home isn't somewhere I wanted to be (there are a whole host of family problems I can't easily talk about without becoming angry so I won't). Something had to be done. So I spent Sunday making a list of groceries, Monday greocery shopping, and started on Tuesday. Like Oprah said let today be your Monday...so I did. I started using Slim Fast as a way to monitor my portions. I did eat real food with the Slim Fast like the directions say to and I strated using my FIRM system. Except I thought that the workout schedule included wasn't enough. Week 1 on THE FIRM I used soup cans because I didn;t have weights. Week 2 I got weights and added NAC Body Parts to the Schedule so instead of taking days off like the schedule suggests I I alternated between the two. By week three and beyond I was doing THE FIRM Cardio Sculpt and NAC Body Parts EVERY DAY. If I missed a workout I would tack it on the next day so if I did only Body Parts one day the next day I would do Cardio Sculpt, and then Body Parts TWICE! Yeah. obsessive I know but I thought that I was ugly and fat and since ugly isn't easily changed I had to lose the weight. THANK GOD I no longer think like that but I was able to lose a substantial amount of weight and thought I looked pretty good.

Food and Cravings = ?

2010-02-06T23:36:00.007-05:00

I have been doing pretty good with eating fewer calories. Since I have been able to lose 8 pounds as of my first weigh in I have been motivated to really stay on track with eating and working out. It is hard to stay motivated to exercise because...let's face it...who really likes to workout? I do understand those who say they like the high they get after working out but that really doesn't do it for me. What has kept me motivated is the watching the way my body is changing. Fitting into my clothes better is reason enough for me to keep going. Not to mention that each time I work out I get stronger and then get to move on to the harder moves. Bring it Jillian!

Okay, back to eating. I don't have the funds as of right now to buy full on groceries to cook any type of elaborate meals so I have kept it simple. As the funds start coming in (which may not be for a while) on the regular my next goal is to change simply hitting a specific range of calories into changing the foods I am eating. Don;t get me wrong I do eat fruits and vegetable when I can get them but they don;t seem to be the center of my eating. I ususally have apples, bananas, lettuce for salads and sandwiches, and then green beans and some other type of legume for dinner. See? Simple vegetables and fruit choices. I also buy bran flakes or oatmeal, eggs, yogurt, bread or pasta (wheat of course), cheese for sandwiches, and some type of soup and eat all of those in rotation everyday. As the budget expands so will the list (...Oh the joys of having a decent paycheck! There was a time where I went to the grocery store every couple of days just because. I love grocery shopping and it really sucks not being able to buy the food you really want...).

I think because of this monotony right now all I want to do is buy junk food. As I mentioned before when it comes to junk food you need to GO BIG or GO HOME! Tonight I have eaten some werthers candy which I love and as I am typing this it is tempting me to make all of the baked goods in the house and eat them in one sitting. Okay maybe not in one sitting but I have been known to eat an entire cake by myself in one day-you know-a slice at 8am, another at 10:30am, and so on and so forth. Cravings are a killer. I can usually get through them but sometimes I want the Large value meal with a side order of cake.

This is what I am tempted to do when people are around me eating what they want and I am making healthier more conscious choices: order everything on the menu and stack it together and chow down!

It may seem small but I have to remember that 8 pounds is 8 pounds that I can leave in the past and 14+ inches is nothing to scoff at. Do I really want to derail all of the effort I have put into losing that 8 pounds by binging on cake? Sure there will be days where the fries will win over the side salad but you better believe those fries will be the children's size!!!

Weigh In #1

2010-02-05T10:33:00.001-05:00

Good News! I lost 8 pounds and a total of 14.75 inches! I am glad that I was able to lose the 7 pounds I had hoped to lose but I am more excited about the inches I have lost. I can't believe it!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!! In the next 30 days my goal is to lose another 5 pounds. I am glad I am trying to do this the slow and steady route; As stated in yesterday's post I'm not expecting to see Biggest Loser numbers on the scale so I am not setting myself up for failure. I have to remember that the weight will not come off in a couple of months and that if I am going to succeed I need to be able to take the highs and lows in stride, keep on moving forward, and set myself up for a life full of healthy change. Now repeat that for another 330 days...

Have you ever felt like this guy?

2010-02-04T18:09:00.000-05:00

Although I have worked out every day this week there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I have wanted to stop mid workout. I'd be on the elliptical for 20 minutes with 10 minutes to go and think "This is really sucky. I could be asleep right now or watching tv" and be seconds from stopping. What has kept me going this week is my first weigh in day which happens tomorrow and the thought of having worked so hard thus far and giving up. I have also been happy with the results I'm seeing. This past weekend I was trying to find something to wear to a memorial service and was shocked and ecstatic to find that all of my blazers fit! Before exercise started I was unable to button any of them comfortably and some of them I was unable to wear because they were too tight across the back. Sunday I was able to close all of them! Success! But even that couldn't stop me from wanting to give up. Well I did get through today's exercise: 30 minutes on the elliptical, Jillian Michaels' Frontside and Jillian Michaels' Backside. It took a while but I kept thinking about pushing myself. Well, tommorrow is another day and I am motivated to weigh in in the morning. I find it really strange that I am having anxiety about getting on the scale. I am afraid that despite my efforts I have not lost but a couple of pounds. I'm by no means looking for Biggest Loser numbers but the 5 that I have planned on would be magnificent. Actually since I started at 202 I am hoping for a 7 pound loss. We'll see...

Keep On Keeping On

2010-02-02T23:26:00.001-05:00

This morning I was pumped about adding something new into my exercise rotation (yoga) but as the day went on I found myself feeling really bad. I've been eating like crap (not a lot just a little but even a little can make the excuses come rolling in and before you know it I'm in my room for 4 days with a basket full of junk food...I mean...hypothetically...) and I really didn't want to work out. I was so tired but I pushed on and did it anyway: Jillian Michaels' shred 1 and Kendal Hogan's Boot Camp Calorie Burn.

Now I am watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and the YELLOW TEAM made it back onto campus. I have to say that the weight loss the yellow and blue teams have been able to acheive is INCREDIBLE. Cherita and Victoria (mother and daughter) lost 63 pounds in 30 days! 24 and 30 pounds respectively. AMAZING! Oneil lost 51 pounds and Sunshine lost 25 pounds. AMAZING!

Watching this episode I realize that I am able to push myself harder and farther than I think I can go...hopefully...weigh in #1 to come Friday! Motivation!

I am not a Pretzel...But I Can Try to Bend Like One!

2010-02-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Stella Swift , The Shrinking Violet, I am on my way to becoming a yogi. While I do prefer cardio and weight training I am finding that yoga is just what I need to relax while strengthening my core. The best of both worlds! Also because of yoga I find that I am able to laugh at myself which I often forget is a very viable alternative to beating myself up when I don't immediately master another yoga position or anything else on this journey to health and fitness. I do my exercise at home because I am comfortable in my house and because I have exercise tv where there is every conceivable workout you can think of with every trainer imaginable but as suggested by Ms. Swift a yoga class outside of the house would probably be better for me. I may become a hermit no more! I'm totally pumped!

Thanks Stella!!!!!!!

4 More Days!!!

2010-02-01T22:56:00.002-05:00

...

...Until I weigh in for the first time since I started working out and eating better. Even though keep my scale outside of my bedroom door I have been able to stay off of it. I also have to remember to measure myself. I should put my original measurements next to my weight...I'll do that later. I started Jillian Michaels' 30 day slimdown which includes Jiliian Michaels' shred 1, shred 2, shred 3, burn fat boost metabolism, and No More Trouble Zones. Since Febryary has 28 days I will be cutting out 2 rest days of the 4 in the schedule so I can complete it for the month of February. Some days I am able to add these new workouts to the workout schedule I have been following. I remember the first time I tried shred 1 way back when and thought I was going to die. Today I was like...is that it? That's how I know I am getting stronger. :-)

Here is a link to the plan. The exercises can be found on Exercise TV on demand or Exercisetv.tv:

Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Slimdown Plan

I did It!

2010-01-30T23:54:00.001-05:00

Today I spent away from home and had to make some serious food decisions. I was pretty pissed when I didn't have a chance to eat breakfast and even more pissed when I found myself ready to gnaw my arm off at 1pm. My mom and I decided to get Quiznos but it didn't work out. The food was not good and if their is anything I have learned to do is to not eat food just because it's there so we didn't eat it. However, it was to be another 2-3 hours before we actually ate anything. Earlier in the day (around 12) I did have a 100 calorie cookie thinking it would tide me over for at least 30 minutes until we got food but...
Anyway, we ended up at a KFC. In the past week when eating out I have gotten KFC's 395 calorie meal even though it killed me to have the mashed potatoes and green beans with grilled chicken instead of original recipe with a double order of potato wedges or potato wedges and mashed potatoes (double starch I know but it was so damn good who cared? The only thing I cared about was the fact that I would run out...) but I have to figure that every decision I make counts towards or against my goal so I opt to choose wisely. But today I got a popcorn chicken kids meal with potato wedges and-a soda! The soda, though was a snack size (smaller than the small) and I filled it up with ice so I only got around 8 oz of Dr. Pepper (100 calories). I also had a fun size peanut M&Ms pack I got from a little boy taking donations for his church outside of one of the stores we went into which was only 90 calories. When I added up all of the calories in my meal and extras which included one of my mom's regular crispy wings (she waited 20 minutes for crispy instead of original recipe and they gave her an extra wing) and 2 honey mustard sauces (I put honey mustrad on everything) it came to 1400 calories exactly! I shoot for 1400-1500 calories a day. Before I sat down to write this post I did have another one of those 100 calorie cookies. I did, however, come home and workout instead of going baack out with my mom: 30 minutes on the elliptical, Less is more cardio with Cindy Whitmarsh-30 minutes, and Incredible abs also with Cindy Whitmarsh-20 minutes. As mentioned before we have exercise tv at home and my mom has an elliptical in the kitchen (she has the most random stuff in the most random places...and she doesn't ever seem to throw anything away. We have had that elliptical for a while but it needed batteries for the display to work and for the resistance levels to function so it has been sitting in the kitchen untouched for the past few years. That's not true. When I moved home we did use it to hang clothes when they needed to air dry. We still do but now I also use it almost daily to workout :-). I got new batteries for it when I started working out again so I am able to track my calories and stuff on it. Yay for small victories!

A "WHOLE" Lot of Problems

2010-01-29T17:07:00.012-05:00

I have to know what people think about this. I have been reading some fat acceptance blogs and sites (which are fabulous for anyone to read; they really teach you a thing or two about being who you are no matter what you are) and I have come across this issue multiple times: WHOLE FOODS is offering to higher employee discounts if they have a BMI lower than 30!!!! The store claims that this incentive to employers is offered as a means to control the cost of health insurance covered by the company. Within this program there are different levels: Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum for BMI ranges below 30, 28, 26, and 24 to get discount levels of 22, 25, 27, and the coveted 30%. In addition to each level's BMI employers are expected to kick the nicotine habit if they have one and be tested for blood pressure and cholesterol levels within their specific BMI range. It needs to be mentioned that this program is simply an incentive and is OPTIONAL for all employess. All employees will still receive a 20% discount.

All over the internet I have been reading rants about this new incentive program and I do understand where they are coming from. A person's health is not simply measured by your body mass index which more often than not does not account for age, frame size, muscle mass or medical conditions that may contribute to high blood pressure and cholesterol, etc. So people who want the discount but do not fall into these very specific health ranges are at a grave disadvantage.

I was also a little disturbed when you figure that the company is withholding a discount for healthy foods from the people who need it more than those who have already acheived their desired weight, have active lifestyles, or healthier habits. That's not to say that larger people do not eat healthy foods or have active lifestyles but in order to fit into this stereotyped body ideal holding out a sometimes much needed discount seemed wrong until I read a little closer...

In paragraphs 6 and 7 of the letters sent to employees (posted at the end of this entry) tell of other programs sponsored by WHOLE FOODS "such as the Total Immersion Program and the Green Trek Challenge (based off of their Health Starts Here Initiative started this year), the Healthy Discount Program is completely voluntary. The Total Immersion Program is a free service to team members offering them health and wellness education. WHOLE FOODS is also partnering with Eat Right America and Engine 2 Diet to offer not only team members but also customers in store education and help when shopping that...

"...will feature free information, recipes, in-store lectures, events and support groups. A selection of supporting educational books and cookbooks will also be for sale alongside the “Engine 2 Diet” book and “Eat Right America” program materials"

See more about the Health Start Initiative and it's prgrams at www.wholefoodsmarket.com/healthstartshere

While I would be a little hurt because I am one of those employees that would not be able to get a greater discount (I do not work for WHOLE FOODS) although I do not look "unhealthy" and I would like to save a penny anywhere I can I really don't see the harm in these new programs (besides a bruised ego). It looks like WHOLE FOODS is going in the right direction when it comes to making things better for their employees and their communities. The Healthy Discount program would cause me to get involved in one of thier Health Start Initiative programs, not to follow the crowd but to use these tools offered to me in order to find out how to impliment these skills and habits into my lifestyle so that I am able to lead a healthier more active life; everyone who has had a plan work for them could always learn something from someone else and what works for them...

OTHER HELPFUL SITES

Eat Right America www.eatrightamerica.com/wfmEat
"Right America’s personalized nutritional assessment tool, called “Nutrition Prescription,” which offers individual nutrition and health assessments combined with personalized eating plans."

The Engine 2 Diet http://www.engine2academy.com/
"A [book outlining a] plant-strong plan that can help with weight loss, lower cholesterol and reduce the risk of disease."

Here are the two letter sent to the employees:

(Simply click on the Letter Images to Enlarge and Read)

Letter 1

Letter 2

Stress is a Killer

2010-01-28T09:35:00.001-05:00

I am always extremely stressed. Stress to me would have meant eating whatever I want to make myself feel better. My excuse would be "I deserve it!" after a long day of whatever. Oh yeah, that also meant forget exercise! But I am trying to push through. I need a job. Joblessness = no money which means I am living with my mom eating whatever she buys. And believe me she is less than sympathetic about me trying to lose weight. She's one of those who claims she's getting soooo thin after dropping 5 pounds and tries to give me all of her "big clothes" (1/2 a size bigger than she is now) when she is still the same size she used to be nust sausaging herself into the smaller size. Also, I weigh more than her but I'm in my 20s, she's in her 50s, I'm built a lot differently and so we are the same size. Go figure.

So I have bills, am living with my mom (GRRRRRR) and in desperate need of a job (debt: medical bills from surgery I had last year need to be paid among other things)... Instead of eating to calm my stress temporarily I am focusing on getting stronger every day. I am channelling Cindy Whitmarsh. Who wouldn't want a strong body like that?

OH YEAH! MENTIONING STRESS...

...The President gave his State of the Union speech with proposed solutions for people who are in dire need of jobs in this tough economy. He also proposed a plan for people who graduated form college with student loans stating that no one should go broke because they decided to go to college. Without sufficient employment I have had to defer mine for a while (since I graduated in 2008). I would like to believe everything he says but until I can apply these ideas to my situation...

...exercise for now.

I'm No Foodie But...

2010-01-27T18:36:00.000-05:00

...I did manage to make some pasta. I don't opt for pasta because I don't really care for spaghetti sauce and alfredo sauce is just exorbitant in calories; it's a sauce where once I start adding it in I say "to hell with hit" and pile it on. Instead of regular tomato sauce or a flavored sauce I opted for salsa instead. It has all of the flavor I am looking for without having to add a lot of anything else (see my previous post on being a gross under taster). YUM!
*The picture above is not the pasta I made but it did look exactly like that, except that I used whole wheat pasta.

The Biggest Load of $#@! Part 2

2010-01-27T18:15:00.001-05:00

I'M SEEING RED

I watched THE BIGGEST LOSER last night and I can not believe the drama. I have to admit I found myself yelling at the tv when the red team won immunity and had the obligation of handing out penalties to three teams. I think that the red team does want to lose weight in order to better themselves for their kids but I also believe that they like the game play even more. I can't stand the way they go about things and believe all of their excuses are pure $#@! I was mad when they threw the weigh in 2 weeks in a row and then on the third week won immunity forcing Migdalia to go home (never mind that Migdalia wanted to go home...that's soooo besides the point). The two weeks they threw the weigh in 2 innocent contestants who really needed to be there were eliminated leaving other contestants without their partners. Jillian called them out on their crap last week and this week Jillian AND the green team Miggy and Migdalia called them out on their garbage. The red team though is holding to the premise that they are trying to do what they think is best for all of themselves and the othr teams by playing the game. Their first focus should be to lose the weight and stop messing with everyone elses' chances to better themselves by forcing another team to leave before their time. They should be ashamed of themselves!!!! So while other teams have been consistently losing weight Melissa had lost nothing the first two weigh ins and then eventually found a change on the scale when she GAINED a pound! Last night she finally dropped 11 pounds but really...? I think they should both be sent home because I think they are cheating all of the other contestants out of a true and heart felt goal of losing weight to be stronger, healthier, and changing their lifestyle. They need to be their in order to learn what they need to learn in a consistent manner for as long as they are able to stay on the ranch so they are able to break their bad habits. Although the exercise looks crazy and intense and is way out of the realm of normal exercise (that is unless you have 6 hours a day to devote to exercise-I currently do but DO NOT want to workout for six hours a day thank you) I do believe that even if they find themselves struggling they are going to be euipped with the knowledge to make conscious choices and decisions every day out in the real world.

Here is a picture of the red team causing all of the commotion:

I can't wait until next week's episode though. One of the eliminated teams will win a place on the ranch. I'm excited to see the progress of teams yellow and blue! I am, however, more anxious to see who the ambulance is for. That's right! Someone is going out on a stretcher (I'm not glad someone's hurt I just want to see who it could possibly be)!

The Biggest Load of $#@!

2010-01-27T15:35:00.001-05:00

WORKOUT TRIALS

In addition to my daily 30 minute trek on the elliptical I also do an actual workout so that I get in cardio and strength training. I would have done Kendall Hogan's Bootcamp Cardio Burn which I love but I have been doint that workout in lu of the elliptical on the same days I do NAC Body Parts. So in I took this free space on m y calendar as an opportunity to do something new. Because I conveniently have Exercise Tv today I tried to do The Biggest Loser Bootcamp exercise (it is on exercise tv) with Bob Harper. LAME! So I tried The Biggest Loser Power Sculpt with Jillian Michaels. DOUBLE LAME! I love to do Jillian Michaels Frontside, Backside, all of the Shreds and Boost Metabolism, No more Trouble Zones workouts because they are challenging and they are very structured. I have to say that these two Biggest Loser workouts are sloppy. The actual moves, what Bob or Jillian have you do is not the problem, but the actual structure of the workouts are ridiculous. Bob's wasn't so bad. Come to think of it not that bad at all. I simply found myself bored and didn't feel like I was getting the burn I needed. Jillian's workout however, was hard to follow because all of the participants (all Biggest Loser contestants and winners) were out of sync and you could tell that many of them were unsure of how to do the actual exercise (which is strange because they have lost weight doign these exact moves- or so we think). Some of them seemed to have good form and were ata steady pace but the rest of them were all over the place. Overall it was hard to find more than three people at a time who had the same form and were going at the same pace. Jillian would say okay we have five more and in that segment you would have some then do five while others did eight, and another did six. I almost couldn't take it!

After that fiasco I did do Cindy Whitmarsh's Incredible Abs 2. I have to say that it is hard but is without a doubt my new favorite thing. I usually abhor working on my abs and they often don't get individual attention like the rest of my trouble zones.

I love her and all of her workouts!

Much Needed Motivation

2010-01-24T22:40:00.003-05:00

In lu of my emotional crisis over the past week I have decided to not let small set backs become mountainous obstacle. So I have been trying to remeber some of my external motivators. In this case people who keep me going. Besides the contestants on THE BIGGEST LOSER who are a motivation in their own right I am getting excited about the new season of CELEBRITY FIT CLUB. Just check out this season's cast.

THE CAST OF CELEBRITY FIT CLUB 2010

Show to air February 08 2010

Kevin Federline (Mr. Britney), Shar Jackson (actress and Federlines baby momma #1), Bobby Brown (Whitney's crack partner), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch Babe) , Kaycee Stroh (High School Musical), Sebastian Bach ( Former front man of Skid Row, Actor-Gilmore Girls anyone?), Tanisha "pop off" Thomas (Bad Girl's Club Season 2) and Jay McCarroll (Season 1 winner Project Runway).

UPDATES: Food Guilt and Moving On

2010-01-24T22:08:00.001-05:00

So the past week...full of guilt. I have bean eating well through the day but then at the end of the day I eat over my caloric limit. The problem with that is I am only going over 1-200 calories which could be a bad thing but it is certainly not the end of the world. So why the panic?

When I used to workout I would exercise for at least 2 hours a day. This time I am easing into all of the exercise so I won't crash and burn. BUT I worked out in such a manic state because I thought that I was grotesque (I would workout for 2 hours a day and if I missed an hour or a planned exercise I would attach it to the 2 hour workout the next day! If I went over a specific amount of calories I would deduct that number from the calories I would have eaten the following day! CRAZY I know.). When I say grotesque I not only meant fat and repulsive but ugly; how are people able to look at my face ugly. I had decided that I could not be fat and ugly. Because I couldn't really do anything about changing my face I knew that I had to become thin and thus be a little more acceptable (blending in rather than sticking out as the ugly girl). This disfunctional thinking caused a lot of problems and was incredibly RIDICULOUS! I know now that there are days that I don;t feel 100% and FEEL ugly but that I am not in fact an ugly person on the inside or out.

But over the past week or so I have been having flashbacks of the emotional state I used to be in. I look at women that are my size and I think wow they're big and beautiful. When I look at myself I think wow I'm pretty big and I look like a cow. Each time I have worked out I have felt incredibly strong only to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see what I describe as disgusting. I know that weight loss is a process and it takes time; as I workout and change my bad habits I will become stronger and so on and so on...

I HATE working out and I don't want to waste my time going through it if I am not going to lose weight or lose weight and still look big. This issue had become my biggest fear. I have come close to talking myself out of workouts because I fear that I will be this size forever-so what's the point? I know weight loss is possible but sometimes...

...so all this week I have been freaking out with every morsel of food that has gone in my mouth...I hate this...

Stronger than Yesterday

2010-01-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

Working out has been a success. I have not been focusing on the scale but have been focusing on how I feel each time I work out. I am getting stronger and I like it! I am trying to make it through the month and see if I have reached my goal to lose 5 pounds. 5 pounds is a reasonable goal in my mind because if I try to go for more than that I end up trying to push myself way to hard and burn out, then give up. Also, if I am able to take this one day at a time I am able to acheive so much more. My fitness goal is to be an athlete. While watching the biggest loser and watching Jillian run out of the weight room makes me want to acheive more physically. Right now I am not able to run...anywhere. It feels ackward and weird and I get winded and start breathing like I'm having an asthma attack and I don't have asthma. Everyday Counts!

Holding On and Letting Go

2010-01-19T22:00:00.002-05:00

I am currently watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and Migdalia was threatening to quit after Jillian tried to be nice in order to open her up as she was isolating herself from the rest of the contestants. After she was getting nowhere per the advice of Bob Jillian got mean with her. She point blank told Migdalia that holding in all of her emotions and putting up this front was what had caused her to become over 300 pounds. Then she proceeded to tell her that her 9 year old daughter would end up overweight and unhappy like she was because she has been taught that crying and emotions are there to make someone "weak". With no other outlet in which to express herself would inevitably cause her to follow in her footsteps as she has followed in her mother's footsteps (for those unfamiliar with this season's biggest loser: this season is another one with couples. Migdalia and Miggy are a mother daughter team. Migdalia has a 9 year old daughter at home). All of this got me thinking. Although Migdalia took all of the rationale as an insult, exploded and wanted to quit and go home, I completely agree with Jillian. It is important to note that unlike her usual expression Jillian was not yelling at Migdalia through her diatribe. "There is always more to losing weight than the food" INDEED. I have often substituted emotions with crying and blocking out the emotion with food. I thought that if I could find something I enjoy like eating or hanging out with and around other people I could hold down the emotion when I had nowhere else to turn. Since I am often by myself and feel like I am complaining I feel I can only cry to myself and hold all of my emotions inside. Without a viable outlet I turn to food for comfort whether I am aware of it or not. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that I like to eat in front of the tv in order to forget or numb whatever is currently bothering me leading to mindless eating. But it doesn't end there.

I have to confess that I tend to panic. If anyone has ever had a panic attack you know how that feels. Since I have nowhere to process or expel my emotions I also hold onto things from whenever. Sometimes out of the blue I will remember a past experience or situation and obsess about what I could have done, should have said, what I am missing out on and how my life is "the worse off" for it even if that is logically not the case. I spend most of the time talking myself off of a ledge, sometimes for no reason at all.

It has been so easy for me to turn to food because it has always been the one constant in my life. 99.9% of the time it's always good. There's always something for you to choose from for whatever mood you happen to be in. Turning to sex wouldn't work because my body image halts any kind of idea of intimacy in any way, turning to furthering myself academically ( I have a Bachelor of Science in Textiles btut would love to go back to school to pursue a masters degree) or career wise is stopped by the fear of failure. But I have suffered for this attitude towards food, body image, and overall mentality that I am not good enough to succeed in whatever I want in life. In the end my one comfort in the end has failed me and continued this vicious cycle of self hatred/abuse and lack of motivation.

The first step to changing is to acknowledge your feelings and deal with them in the open (finding an outlet that allows you to let go and move on so you can live your life as you are and not someone else you are trying to emulate), stop living in the past (dwelling on the what could have or should have been) and giving yourself some slack.

It's 1:05am

2010-01-17T01:05:00.000-05:00

It's 1:05am. Am I asleep? Apparently NOT! What was that about getting adequate sleep? Major fail for tonight...I mean...THIS MORNING. AAAAHHHHH! More on the mall trip mentioned in the previous blog later. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!

Fast Food Is NOT Calorie Free

2010-01-16T23:08:00.004-05:00

As mentioned before I LOVE FAST FOOD!!! I always believe that when eating out you should go for the whole shebang: GO FRIED OR GO HOME! In other words why pay for something like a salad when it is a meal that is easily duplicated at home? If you're making the choice to spend money on a quick premade meal it should be something that you cannot make on your own, a tast you are unable to duplicate. Also why not go for the extra [insert your favorite menu item here] when it is most likely only going to cost you pennies extra?!

BUT TODAY I TRIUMPHED!!

I did eat a sausage biscuit this morning (it is the weekend)..but just a sausage biscuit, no egg, no hashbrowns- (I have to mention here that fried potatoes of any kind are one of my absolute favorite things in life. Not just in the food category but in life!) to which I would have ordered an extra 2 for $1. Triumph! Then later in the day I made it to a Chik-Fil-A where I debated between the grilled chicken sandwich or the regular chicken sandwich. I got the original deluxe (lettuce and tomato added) but then did something I would have previously thought incomprehensible: I exchanged the waffle fries for...a fruit cup. The only consolation for this action was the fact that the small fries has 280 calories. The fries that comes with the meal is a large so who knows how many calories would have been in that one. The fruit cup was a mere 70 calories! SCORE! I did have my next favorite thing that may have slipped me up and made my chest hurt with guilt as I ordered it: Dr. Pepper (to me this magical concoction of 23 flavors is like the crack of the carbonated beverage world to me). I did not get to drink it however because I ended up going to the mall and leaving it in the car where it became a watered down mess. SAVED!

It is important to note that Dr. Pepper and fast food are not in fact a staple in my diet which is why my go big or go home philosophy always made a lot of sense to me. I would always go for the fried option when I could because I believed a grilled, seared, broiled whatever would not satiate my cravings. I have come to the conclusion that:

1) Although I do like the fullness that comes with food I like the taste of food even more and thus always seem to gorge myself on the wrong stuff

2) I always trying to put down as much as I can because I would have it in my mind that if I did not buy or accept the fried, sugary whatever when it is offered or available that I would not be able to get more of it later. Does that make sense? Most of the time I do not have the funds to just buy exorbitant amounts of cookies so I would eat whatever I was could when offered...especially if it is FREE! Other times (when I was making enough money to support my bad habits) I would buy whatever I was craving and eat it all in an absurdly short amount of time and simply replenish as I ran out. In those times I would always grab foods I liked when I saw them whether I needed it or not. I would then wait for an optimal time in which to eat all of it. This would ususally be at home in front of the tv or alone in my office watching movies on the computer.

3) I am an severe UNDERTASTER (for more information check out http://dietshmiet.com/are-you-an-undertaster-or-overtaster/ for an easy test to see if you are an over or undertaster. I found out I was an undertaster in biology lab in college; an experiment using iodine and litmus paper). This means that I:

"usually like fruit and veggies, but many under-tasters have a lot of cravings, because they can never really seem to satifsy their palate."

I need lots of seasoning or salt or sugar in order to really taste the food. Because of this I tend to confuse adding more seasoning to my food with eating more and more to get my craving for taste satiated. It does make sense that I would say that I love the taste of food.

With all of this in mind I have to trick myself into better habits before they become common place. For now I am resolved to make healthy choices when dining out no matter how painful I think they are at first. While I have told myself that I am wasting money by getting the healthier option (which may cost me more monetarily) or not practicing good economical sense by not ordering the up size or extra side from the dollar menu I have to acknowledge the fact that in the long run the so called "bargain" choices are in fact the more costly (to my health) in the end. I mean come on! Have we learned nothing from Morgan Spurlock?

SLEEP! It Does a Body Good...

2010-01-16T00:52:00.002-05:00

It is 12:52am and I am in desperate need of some SLEEP!!! I have been reading blogs like a junkie and have spent the last few days in a web induced coma. It took reading Shanti's page "How I Lose Weight" on her weight loss blog (found at http://www.antishayweightloss.com/) to remember that beside the exercise and conscious eating:

"It’s just really important to sleep. Sleep helps you regulate your metabolism and digestion, and keeps you energized so that you can work out regularly without exhaustion. Sleep is a rehabilitative process for the body, so while you sleep you flush out the fat that you burnt that day and repair your muscles so that they’re stronger for the next time you work out.

Sleep… does the body good."

This is an area I really need to work on. Add that to the list along with staying away from the scale.

Off to sleep I go!

A Balance of Weights and Measures

2010-01-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

First, It's day 10 of me exercising and I have to say that I am feeling very triumphant. I have a scedule of workout for January and today it was LESS IS MORE CARDIO with Cindy Whitmarsh. I access this workout from exercise tv. As mentioned in a previous post the ON DEMAND channels were not working for about a week so I lucked out and did not have to do it last week Today, however, I had no choice but to suck it up and get it over with. To those who find themselves checking out this workout for themselves may find themselves laughing because the workout is but a mere 30 minutes...try it for yourself. This 30 minutes is an intense ass kicking! Although I dread doing this workout when it ends I inevitably feel incrediblly STRONG. I then got on the elliptical and peddled for 25 minutes rotating between resistance levels 1-5. I seem to be on a roll!

Now, I know that weight loss has to do with more than a number on a scale but I always think of my weight loss in terms of dropping pounds. I am trying to focus on how my clothes are fitting. I have even made a chart with size measurements complete with my current measurements and how many inches I need to lose in order to fit into the next size down. But the scale is always the focal point.

When weighing myself I find that before I step onto the scale my heart starts beating faster. Will I have lost antother half a pound or have I gained 3 (as it always goes that if I have managed to gain weight it is two to three times the amount I have lost)? The need to know keeps me in front of the scale every morning but this week I have managed not to step on it more than once Monday Morning. I should put it away but...

Issues

2010-01-14T21:55:00.004-05:00

Besides working out I spent the day scouring weight loss blogs and ran across a line from "The Shrinking Violet" (stellaswift.blogspot.com) when she said

"losing weight is never just about food"

it made me stop and think of all the reasons I ended up where I was weight wise. There was more to my weight gain than just "I eat too much."
Hmmm...getting rid of the excess is another big part of this process for sure.

Never Give Up!!

2010-01-13T21:55:00.001-05:00

My ON DEMAND channels haven't worked for the past couple of days and today was no different so I was unable to access Exercise TV on demand. I could have used the computer to access the Kendal Hogan workout I had planned to do but didn't want to go through the hassel so I checked out FITtv. A workout called Cathe Fitness was coming up at 12pm and decided what the heck? Cathe is the one front and center in the pic. So I grabbed all the weights I had and my gardening pad I use for push ups and was feeling pretty good about finding an alternative.

When the workout started I almost freaked out because Cathe Freidrich and the ladies on the screen were using 45 pound barbells but I quickly grabbed my heaviest weights and proceeded with the activity making modifications to accomodate the free weights I was using in lu of the barbells they were using. Okay, panic averted...or so I thought. The next set of exercises used a balance ball. I quickly ran back to my room to dig out the fitness ball only to find it deflated and without a pump to blow it up. Trying to think quickly I grabbed my two layer step used for THE FIRM workout (the fanny lifter) and made do with that the best I could for the stability exercises using the ball. In times where I would have reclined on the ball I laid on the floor.

Usually hurdles like these would prevent me from following through with a workout and I would find myself easily discouraged and give up for the day. Today I triumphed by thinking fast (since the exercise was on tv I couldn't pause it) making modifications in a workout and getting the same workout with the equipment I had. Now I know that when I don't have everything I think I need, instead of running from the workout I can and will get through it! Yay me!

By the way-Cathe freidrich is no joke. She laughs through the whole workout but she really puts you through your paces!

Skinny V. Strong

2010-01-12T16:49:00.003-05:00

Besides wanting to lose weight to become thinner I often wonder why other people want to lose weight. I remember the contestants on THE BIGGEST LOSER season 4 where the contestants had Goal T-Shirts. There are of course health reasons for losing weight which are very much an importaant part of becoming a leaner, healthier you but what about FITNESS GOALS. I can't say I have every really had a solid fitness goal because I was always so focused on becoming a skinny version of myself rather than a healthier, stronger version. I have found that as I continue to search weight loss blogs, websites, and other sources I want more and more to become as strong as the women pictured or shown. It would be nice to be able to run a mile. I can't run down the street without feeling like my life is coming to an end heading straight into the white light. Strength and conditioning: to eventually become an athlete.

When I get discouraged I have to remember that excess weight is a side effect of poor eating habits, lack of activity, illness, etc. and can be corrected.

Besides 200 pound weight loss hopefuls aren't the only ones who have transformed their bodies: Demi Moore didn't always have that body! ;-) So it goes without saying that you have to start somewhere and not be afraid to exercise FAT. There's no other way to do it.

For added encouragement when I am overwhelmed by all of the changes I am making and struggling to make exercise a part of my daily routine and get down on myself because the weight isn't magically disappearing I remember the words of Mike Huckabee who said:

Take care of health and fitness and the weight will take care of itself.

Late Night Date

2010-01-11T12:41:00.001-05:00

I refuse to let late night eating be a struggle so I have listed this entry as a neutral. I tend to eat late at night while I am watching tv. I am done eating for the day around 7 and then I wait around to watch shows that come on at 9, 10, and 11. Sometimes I'm hungry but sometimes I'm not but used to mindless snacking, especially when I am watching tv. That's my favorite thing: getting fast food to eat while watching tv or a movie at home. But I need my new mantra to be "FOOD IS NOT A HOBBY!" My goal for this week is to find alternatives to mindless eating at night and during the day when I find myself with nothing to do.

Food Wars

2010-01-08T12:49:00.002-05:00

As hard as it is to get off the couch and exercise it's harder not to eat out of sheer habit. I tend to count calories when I start trying to do the healthy thing instead of the convenient thing. For me counting calories or having a good estimate of how many I'm putting into my mouth is a way to force myself to choose alternatives. If I have a 1500 calorie limit am I going to use them all on a burger and fries or am I going to eat a slice of pizza, salad, and have room for 3 more decent size meals and a snack? When you put it all on paper and you see how many more options you have when you choose nutrient dense foods instead of empty calories but...I become obsessive. When that happens I have to remind myself that:

1) Food isn't the enemy
2) I don't have to feel guilty if I want and eat that ice cream (as long as it's not the whole carton) and
3) EATING IS NOT A HOBBY!

Starting Strong, Staying Strong

2010-01-06T18:38:00.000-05:00

The biggest issue I have and where I struggle with my self esteem the most is my weight. Over the past couple of years since graduating from college I have been through a lot of pure crap and I have resolved to do better for myself. Back in college (Second semester freshman year right after spring break) I was able to lose around 30 pounds using the Slimfast plan but I was a chronic exerciser. These days I can't handle being a crazy manic person. Did I mention I lost all the weight in two and a half months (going from 195 to 165)? Not the healthiest thing I had ever done. I was tired, weak, and slept most of the time. Needless to say I gained all of the weight back and then some. I graduated from college at 222 pounds (my highest weight was 226). I have managed to get down to 200 and I am looking for a way to lose weight without resorting to unhealthy eating habits.

In the past I have often "planned" to lose weight. I know that a goal without a plan will set you up for failure but my "plans" meant

a) Losing X amount of weight in an absurdly small amount of time, i.e. 60 pounds in 5 months. Maybe...but not likely

b) I had an all or nothing mentality where I would either eat the "right" foods and exercise daily or deem myself a massive FAILURE.

c) Finding THINSPIRATION or celebrities whose bodies I wanted to emulate. I have found that this definitely doesn't work because bodies vary by the individual and no matter what I am not them and will never have their body. I would also want the weight to come off way too fast and feel miserable when it didn't.

d) Restricting the foods I ate to the point that I would not go anywhere because there were foods I could not easily track in my notebook. Can you say CONTROL FREAK?

Failure would inevitably follow and I would give up and eat ravenously for a week or so and feel super guilty afterwords.

What to do, what to do?!

I have learned that I need INSPIRATION not THINSPIRATION. My role models need to be those women who are on the path to health and fitness; on a path to become stronger versions of themselves. I have also learned that besides this process becoming a lifestyle change I have to cut myself a lot of slack. I can eat what I want when I want and know that I am not then doomed to be fat for the rest of my life as long as I am eating consciously and holding myself accountable for what I eat. Instead of obsessing over food I am focusing on the types of foods I am putting into my mouth; whole foods and food with color are better for you than beige processed food, etc.

Getting up to exercise is another set of problems on its own. I know that without exercise losing weight amounts to losing water and muscle tissue which I definitely don't want but I HATE EXERCISING! Sure I drag myself off the couch and do it but I dread it. Like my previous food issues I would plan out a strict schedule and if I didn't adhere to it a mental lashing would follow where I would then stop exercising until the Monday where I was sure to get it together. With those schedules also came an inordinate amount of activity all at once where I would burn out after about two weeks. I can no longer do that to myself because the whole cycle is just too vicious and draining.

I am determined to take this weight loss journey one day at a time and do it the right way: slow and steady. My goal is to lose 5 pounds a month for a total weigh loss of 60 pounds by the end of the year. Before I would have mentally freaked out thinking that 5 pounds wouldn't be enough and a year is WAY TOO LONG! But I know that realistically if I had it in my mind to lose more than 5 pounds a month, after 12 months had passed I would most likely have lost a total of 5 pounds and I would be looking back at the year wondring where the time went and why I was still talking and worrying about my weight. That is no longer an option. In order for me to become a better person I need to take control of me and learn to let go of the bad stuff...

...HERE GOES NOTHING!

Yoga is NOT for the Weak

2010-01-06T15:31:00.001-05:00

I tried power yoga for beginners and I have to say...Not for the faint. I did ballet for 13 years but this is nothing like that! I have never been the most flexible person alive but hitting those poses, holding them, and coming out of them was a complete struggle. I think I'll stick to the cardio and weight training for sure.