Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 2

Last Straw Moment #2
I was able to keep the weight off but I wasn't at my "goal" weight. My social life blossomed and I was very active in school the next few years. I was assistant director of the women's center, the vice president of the Clown Alley on campus, and so on and so forth. Every time I went somewhere there was food. Most of the social time spent with friends was eating. I put on some weight but didn't think to much about it because it was "only 5 pounds" (It was really 10 pounds). By the end of my junior year I was starting to feel a little junky but I chalked it up to stresses of responsibility. Senior year started-I became the director of the women's center and I had gained most of the weight back. The year started and I was pulling double duty with 18 credit hours, two jobs (women's center and student coordinator at the health center), campus ministry responsibilities, life groups, homework and preparation for graduation, all of it. The biggest stressor was the women's center because my board and I weren't clicking like we should have and the stress was unreal. This last straw moment I call the F*@# It Moment. I was walking to my office and just gave up. I literally stopped in the middle of the brick walkway and said F*@# IT! out loud. If I was going to be this tired and stressed every day I was at least going to find something that made me feel better because as I had convinced myself "I deserved It". So I turned around and went directly to the Hardess in the Union. So I didn't look like a typical fatty I stuffed the bag into my back pack and headed to my office. I dropped off the food and walked next door to the Starbucks (they built a free standing Starbucks in the middle of campus right next to my office) and got a Venti White Mocha Latte and ate all of it at my desk. This is how I ate every day for the rest of the year. Total weight 226 pounds. I told the cap and gown people that I was 200 pounds thinking that I weighed a lot but didn't look that heavy (DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL) and that maybe I would lose 5-10 pounds. I lost 4 by graduation at the end of April 2008 but my gown was a little tight and it was hotter than a mofo in the Tally Civic Center. I realized then that I had let myself go. By that time I had also stopped wanting to hang out with anyone and avoided many a phone call to go out because of the way I felt and looked. Not good.

I moved back home in August after graduation and lost 12 pounds from the stress of living with my mother. February 2009 I got a job filling in for a PE teacher and felt like crap because I was the fat PE teacher. I don't have a car so I ended up walking most places (riding the bus and walking to my destination or walking to and from work which is a 10 minute drive but a 90 minute walk) and lost 12 more pounds. I was also too tired to eat like had been eating when I got home. Walking to and from work and being out in the hot sun was enough to put me into a coma. Working as a PE teacher woke me up to the fact that I was completely out of shape. Most things I tried to get the students to do on the field I couldn't do without getting winded so I didn't and to me that was embarrassing. During the summer I worked at the same school as a camp counselor and I refused to do any physical activity with the kids because I was afraid of anyone seeing me out of breath or super sweaty. CRAZY!!! It made me realize how I have been holding myself back from succeeding after college because I am afraid of how people would perceive me becuase of my size. I was also pretty bitter. Unable to find work and living with my mom (we don't get along) made me think of all of the crap I have been holding onto from the past.

I realized that this is no way to live. I also realized that I am fat now but that doesn't always have to be the situation. Losing weight isn't just about becoming a stick. It's about bettering yourself from the inside out and I can see that now. I am focusing on making myself stronger, physically and mentally. I have been working on ways to deal with emotional and mental stress in other ways besides food; I am learning to let go and not allow stress and doubt to deter me from reaching my goals-weight loss and otherwise.
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So this weekend I reworked my workout schedule for the month so I won't have to worry about figuring out what to do for the day-I'll just do it. I have also tried to rewrite a list of things I would like to do. You know all of the things you leave off the list because you don;t think that YOU could possibly do them...

A "WHOLE" Lot of Problems

I have to know what people think about this. I have been reading some fat acceptance blogs and sites  (which are fabulous for anyone to read; they really teach you a thing or two about being who you are no matter what you are) and I have come across this issue multiple times:  WHOLE FOODS is offering to higher employee discounts if they have a BMI lower than 30!!!! The store claims that this incentive to employers is offered as a means to control the cost of health insurance covered by the company. Within this program there are different levels: Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum for BMI ranges below 30, 28, 26, and 24 to get discount levels of 22, 25, 27, and the coveted 30%. In addition to each level's BMI employers are expected to kick the nicotine habit if they have one and be tested for blood pressure and cholesterol levels within their specific BMI range. It needs to be mentioned that this program is simply an incentive and is OPTIONAL for all employess. All employees will still receive a 20% discount.

All over the internet I have been reading rants about this new incentive program and I do understand where they are coming from. A person's health is not simply measured by your body mass index which more often than not does not account for age, frame size, muscle mass or medical conditions that may contribute to high blood pressure and cholesterol, etc. So people who want the discount but do not fall into these very specific health ranges are at a grave disadvantage.

I was also a little disturbed when you figure that the company is withholding a discount for healthy foods from the people who need it more than those who have already acheived their desired weight, have active lifestyles, or healthier habits. That's not to say that larger people do not eat healthy foods or have active lifestyles but in order to fit into this stereotyped body ideal holding out a sometimes much needed discount seemed wrong until I read a little closer...

In  paragraphs 6 and 7 of the letters sent to employees (posted at the end of this entry) tell of other programs sponsored by WHOLE FOODS "such as the Total Immersion Program and the Green Trek Challenge (based off of their Health Starts Here Initiative started this year), the Healthy Discount Program is completely voluntary. The Total Immersion Program is a free service to team members offering them health and wellness education. WHOLE FOODS is also partnering with Eat Right America and Engine 2 Diet to offer not only team members but also customers in store education and help when shopping that...

"...will feature free information, recipes, in-store lectures, events and support groups. A selection of supporting educational books and cookbooks will also be for sale alongside the “Engine 2 Diet” book and “Eat Right America” program materials"

See more about the Health Start Initiative and it's prgrams at  www.wholefoodsmarket.com/healthstartshere

While I would be a little hurt because I am one of those employees that would not be able to get a greater discount (I do not work for WHOLE FOODS) although I do not look "unhealthy" and I would like to save a penny anywhere I can I really don't see the harm in these new programs (besides a bruised ego). It looks like WHOLE FOODS is going in the right direction when it comes to making things better for their employees and their communities. The Healthy Discount program would cause me to get involved in one of thier Health Start Initiative programs, not to follow the crowd but to use these tools offered to me in order to find out how to impliment these skills and habits into my lifestyle so that I am able to lead a healthier more active life; everyone who has had a plan work for them could always learn something from someone else and what works for them...

OTHER HELPFUL SITES

Eat Right America  www.eatrightamerica.com/wfmEat
"Right America’s personalized nutritional assessment tool, called “Nutrition Prescription,” which offers individual nutrition and health assessments combined with personalized eating plans."

The Engine 2 Diet  http://www.engine2academy.com/
"A [book outlining a] plant-strong plan that can help with weight loss, lower cholesterol and reduce the risk of disease."

Here are the two letter sent to the employees:

(Simply click on the Letter Images to Enlarge and Read)

Letter 1

Letter 2

It's 1:05am

It's 1:05am. Am I asleep? Apparently NOT! What was that about getting adequate sleep? Major fail for tonight...I mean...THIS MORNING. AAAAHHHHH! More on the mall trip mentioned in the previous blog later. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!

SLEEP! It Does a Body Good...

It is 12:52am and I am in desperate need of some SLEEP!!! I have been reading blogs like a junkie and have spent the last few days in a web induced coma. It took reading Shanti's page "How I Lose Weight" on her weight loss blog (found at http://www.antishayweightloss.com/) to remember that beside the exercise and conscious eating:

"It’s just really important to sleep. Sleep helps you regulate your metabolism and digestion, and keeps you energized so that you can work out regularly without exhaustion. Sleep is a rehabilitative process for the body, so while you sleep you flush out the fat that you burnt that day and repair your muscles so that they’re stronger for the next time you work out.

Sleep… does the body good."

This is an area I really need to work on. Add that to the list along with staying away from the scale.

Off to sleep I go!