Weigh In #2...Since I've Been Gone

It's been a while. I've been at my sister's place and didn't work out for a whole week. It wasn't the best time ever but I have to admit that I needed the break from exercise. I hadn't noticed how much stress I was putting on my knees until I tried to do some "light" exercise while my niece and nephew were at school and I had trouble doing basic squats and quickly deciding to lay off for a while. Being with my sister was also equaled a not so good food situation. She's an LPN and works the night shift.
She gets home in time to take the kids to school. Then instead of going to sleep she likes  joy ride around her neighborhood for hours. Meanwhile, I'm stuck at her place without food because she doesn't seem to buy groceries. I'm unable to leave because I am without  key to her place. When she did come back I of course mention that I have been starving all day and didn't want to leave with her door open to the public for a free shopping spree she says, "okay we'll go the store and get something. Before I could put my shoes on she's gone only to reappear hours later with the kids and McDonalds. Always McDonalds or some type of fast food. So for the past five days my eating habits have been horrific:  not eating anything until 1 or 2 in the afternoon (usually Ramen noodles or a bag of chips), then something at night, usually some type of take out. Awful I know. But I'm home now and have been back to normal eating for the past few days so I thought it would be safe to weigh in yesterday, the 7th.

WEIGH IN!!!!!!!!!

I weighed in early in the morning and the scale read 189. Since my eating had been off and I had not worked out in a week I thought that the scale was mistaking a week of t my day and weighed myself again in the evening-189. So I'm sticking with 189. I'll weigh myself tomorrow just to be sure my scale isn't playing an evil trick on me. For now I can Celebrate! Down five more pounds!

I see ENABLERS!

I feel like I've been MIA for the past week but...life happens.
So, I've been thinking a lot about the season premier episode of RUBY on STYLE this past Sunday. The overwhelming topics were DENIAL and ENABLING. I had to really  think about that. It's hard to label anyone as an enabler, especially if they are close to you but acknowledging the fact that it may be happening will only help you in the long run.

I ended up staying with my grandmother for three days. While she has low fat everything, makes a big deal out of every calorie she puts in her mouth, and often throws around derogatory remarks about fat people when she saw me she made a comment on how I was looking good. I told her that I had been working out to which she said, "If you lose any more you'll be too thin." WAIT A MINUTE! This coming from the woman who told me that I was still young and had time to take off the fat a week or so earlier? Hmmmmm. Her husband is the same way. He constantly makes comments about my single status and the fact that if I would lose some weight I would look more approachable and maybe I could catch a guy. HATER!

Then there's my mother. In all her infinite witticism constantly brings up the fact that I'm on a diet and can't eat [fill in the blank], laughs, and then gives whatever it is to me anyway....WHAT? GGRRRRRR. Family.
With this nonsense going on I have to ignore their hater-aid and keep my goals in mind.

Denial was topic number 2. When it comes to denial I find that I am the master when it comes to food. If I am tracking the calories I eat in a day I will sometimes eat the extra cookie and not count it because, hey, it's just one more cookie. But isn't that how it all starts? In instances like this I have to channel Dr. Phil:  "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge," fess up and move on.

How do you deal with enablers, denial, and all of that?

Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 2

Last Straw Moment #2
I was able to keep the weight off but I wasn't at my "goal" weight. My social life blossomed and I was very active in school the next few years. I was assistant director of the women's center, the vice president of the Clown Alley on campus, and so on and so forth. Every time I went somewhere there was food. Most of the social time spent with friends was eating. I put on some weight but didn't think to much about it because it was "only 5 pounds" (It was really 10 pounds). By the end of my junior year I was starting to feel a little junky but I chalked it up to stresses of responsibility. Senior year started-I became the director of the women's center and I had gained most of the weight back. The year started and I was pulling double duty with 18 credit hours, two jobs (women's center and student coordinator at the health center), campus ministry responsibilities, life groups, homework and preparation for graduation, all of it. The biggest stressor was the women's center because my board and I weren't clicking like we should have and the stress was unreal. This last straw moment I call the F*@# It Moment. I was walking to my office and just gave up. I literally stopped in the middle of the brick walkway and said F*@# IT! out loud. If I was going to be this tired and stressed every day I was at least going to find something that made me feel better because as I had convinced myself "I deserved It". So I turned around and went directly to the Hardess in the Union. So I didn't look like a typical fatty I stuffed the bag into my back pack and headed to my office. I dropped off the food and walked next door to the Starbucks (they built a free standing Starbucks in the middle of campus right next to my office) and got a Venti White Mocha Latte and ate all of it at my desk. This is how I ate every day for the rest of the year. Total weight 226 pounds. I told the cap and gown people that I was 200 pounds thinking that I weighed a lot but didn't look that heavy (DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL) and that maybe I would lose 5-10 pounds. I lost 4 by graduation at the end of April 2008 but my gown was a little tight and it was hotter than a mofo in the Tally Civic Center. I realized then that I had let myself go. By that time I had also stopped wanting to hang out with anyone and avoided many a phone call to go out because of the way I felt and looked. Not good.

I moved back home in August after graduation and lost 12 pounds from the stress of living with my mother. February 2009 I got a job filling in for a PE teacher and felt like crap because I was the fat PE teacher. I don't have a car so I ended up walking most places (riding the bus and walking to my destination or walking to and from work which is a 10 minute drive but a 90 minute walk) and lost 12 more pounds. I was also too tired to eat like had been eating when I got home. Walking to and from work and being out in the hot sun was enough to put me into a coma. Working as a PE teacher woke me up to the fact that I was completely out of shape. Most things I tried to get the students to do on the field I couldn't do without getting winded so I didn't and to me that was embarrassing. During the summer I worked at the same school as a camp counselor and I refused to do any physical activity with the kids because I was afraid of anyone seeing me out of breath or super sweaty. CRAZY!!! It made me realize how I have been holding myself back from succeeding after college because I am afraid of how people would perceive me becuase of my size. I was also pretty bitter. Unable to find work and living with my mom (we don't get along) made me think of all of the crap I have been holding onto from the past.

I realized that this is no way to live. I also realized that I am fat now but that doesn't always have to be the situation. Losing weight isn't just about becoming a stick. It's about bettering yourself from the inside out and I can see that now. I am focusing on making myself stronger, physically and mentally. I have been working on ways to deal with emotional and mental stress in other ways besides food; I am learning to let go and not allow stress and doubt to deter me from reaching my goals-weight loss and otherwise.
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So this weekend I reworked my workout schedule for the month so I won't have to worry about figuring out what to do for the day-I'll just do it. I have also tried to rewrite a list of things I would like to do. You know all of the things you leave off the list because you don;t think that YOU could possibly do them...

Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 1

It's been a rough week. Motivation has been down and while I have been exercising I have not been in it to win it. Eating has been a mess and all over the place, and...I didn't exercise at all on Sunday! GASP! But I am back on the wagon.

I know this is a long post but I have to take the time and remember and acknowledge how I got to where I am now

I had to do a lot of reevaluating this week; I had to remember why I was working out in the first place which led me to remember what BitchCakes called MY LAST STRAW MOMENT (click the link to her page to read her last straw moment documented back in 2007). I have 2 last straw moments.

Last Straw Moment #1
I was starting college in 2004 which should have been an exciting time in my life but all I remember was going to freshman orientation over the summer and feeling like garbage the entire weekend. The first thing I noticed when walking into the ballrooms at Florida State were all of the tiny girls everywhere. I now see that I was in denial about my size. I had done ballet for 13 years so I was never really big but I thought I was compared to all of the waifs I danced with. When I stopped dancing I put on the pounds by eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I mean I would pile chips on a plate and by the end of the night have eaten the entire family size bag! I ate them and other snacks like it (crackers, oreos and other cookies, etc.) on a large plate because as long as I wasn't eating from the bag or carton I wasn't really overeating. YEAH RIGHT! Needless to say by the time I graduated from high school I was 195 pounds and very puffy looking. I kept telling myself that I was in fact bigger but I wasn't as big as [insert name here]-I just wasn't that fat. I even bought THE FIRM system I kept seeing on tv so I could, you know, "tone up a bit". But I wasn;t just a little bit bigger...I was FAT. I didn't start getting real about my problem until I graduated.

Aside from the fact that I was one of maybe 3 other larger females in the ballrooms I could no longer deny the physical condition I was in. I am from Central Florida so the ground is flat. In Tallahassee there are hills everywhere! What should have been a leisurley tour around campus turned into the most exhausting excursion I had ever experienced. I was already very uncomfortable standing next to all of the petite girls. We had yet do move and I was already sweating! As we trekked up hill after hill from building to building twice I thought I would either pass out or just dip out on my group and catch up with them somewhere later down the line. I though it can't be! I'm in great shape! OH THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES. By the end of the weekend I wanted to do nothing more than go home and never leave the house. I was hideous! But that event only made me depressed about the way I looked and my size and made me eat even more. I started school at FSU weighing 195 pounds. The first semester I spent avoiding my weight issues by focusing on classes and enjoying my freedom. But I wasn't enjoying it at all. I spent all of my time alone in my apartment watching tv. The thought of joining anything was simply out of the question. What would people think with me the big girl crashing their meeting. Going to the gym was laughable. I told myself fat people can't go to the gym (at least not at Florida State where everyone in the gym is there for maintenance). I even started scheduling classes around tv shows. That's when I knew there was a problem. By the second semester I was even more miserable. Spring break rolled around and I remember thinking "people are making plans for spring break and all you can do is go home beacuse you've secluded yourself from the real world beacuse you think you're too fat to be accepted". Home isn't somewhere I wanted to be (there are a whole host of family problems I can't easily talk about without becoming angry so I won't). Something had to be done. So I spent Sunday making a list of groceries, Monday greocery shopping, and started on Tuesday. Like Oprah said let today be your Monday...so I did. I started using Slim Fast as a way to monitor my portions. I did eat real food with the Slim Fast like the directions say to and I strated using my FIRM system. Except I thought that the workout schedule included wasn't enough. Week 1 on THE FIRM I used soup cans because I didn;t have weights. Week 2 I got weights and added NAC Body Parts to the Schedule so instead of taking days off like the schedule suggests I I alternated between the two. By week three and beyond I was doing THE FIRM Cardio Sculpt and NAC Body Parts EVERY DAY. If I missed a workout I would tack it on the next day so if I did only Body Parts one day the next day I would do Cardio Sculpt, and then Body Parts TWICE! Yeah. obsessive I know but I thought that I was ugly and fat and since ugly isn't easily changed I had to lose the weight. THANK GOD I no longer think like that but I was able to lose a substantial amount of weight and thought I looked pretty good.

Food and Cravings = ?

I have been doing pretty good with eating fewer calories. Since I have been able to lose 8 pounds as of my first weigh in I have been motivated to really stay on track with eating and working out. It is hard to stay motivated to exercise because...let's face it...who really likes to workout? I do understand those who say they like the high they get after working out but that really doesn't do it for me. What has kept me motivated is the watching the way my body is changing. Fitting into my clothes better is reason enough for me to keep going. Not to mention that each time I work out I get stronger and then get to move on to the harder moves. Bring it Jillian!

Okay, back to eating. I don't have the funds as of right now to buy full on groceries to cook any type of elaborate meals so I have kept it simple. As the funds start coming in (which may not be for a while) on the regular my next goal is to change simply hitting a specific range of calories into changing the foods I am eating. Don;t get me wrong I do eat fruits and vegetable when I can get them but they don;t seem to be the center of my eating. I ususally have apples, bananas, lettuce for salads and sandwiches, and then green beans and some other type of legume for dinner. See? Simple vegetables and fruit choices. I also buy bran flakes or oatmeal, eggs, yogurt, bread or pasta (wheat of course), cheese for sandwiches, and some type of soup and eat all of those in rotation everyday. As the budget expands so will the list (...Oh the joys of having a decent paycheck! There was a time where I went to the grocery store every couple of days just because. I love grocery shopping and it really sucks not being able to buy the food you really want...).

I think because of this monotony right now all I want to do is buy junk food. As I mentioned before when it comes to junk food you need to GO BIG or GO HOME! Tonight I have eaten some werthers candy which I love and as I am typing this it is tempting me to make all of the baked goods in the house and eat them in one sitting. Okay maybe not in one sitting but I have been known to eat an entire cake by myself in one day-you know-a slice at 8am, another at 10:30am, and so on and so forth. Cravings are a killer. I can usually get through them but sometimes I want the Large value meal with a side order of cake.

This is what I am tempted to do when people are around me eating what they want and I am making healthier more conscious choices: order everything on the menu and stack it together and chow down!

It may seem small but I have to remember that 8 pounds is 8 pounds that I can leave in the past and 14+ inches is nothing to scoff at. Do I really want to derail all of the effort I have put into losing that 8 pounds by binging on cake? Sure there will be days where the fries will win over the side salad but you better believe those fries will be the children's size!!!

Have you ever felt like this guy?

Although I have worked out every day this week there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I have wanted to stop mid workout. I'd be on the elliptical for 20 minutes with 10 minutes to go and think "This is really sucky. I could be asleep right now or watching tv" and be seconds from stopping. What has kept me going this week is my first weigh in day which happens tomorrow and the thought of having worked so hard thus far and giving up. I have also been happy with the results I'm seeing. This past weekend I was trying to find something to wear to a memorial service and was shocked and ecstatic to find that all of my blazers fit! Before exercise started I was unable to button any of them comfortably and some of them I was unable to wear because they were too tight across the back. Sunday I was able to close all of them! Success! But even that couldn't stop me from wanting to give up.  Well I did get through today's exercise:  30 minutes on the elliptical, Jillian Michaels' Frontside and Jillian Michaels' Backside. It took a while but I kept thinking about pushing myself. Well, tommorrow is another day and I am motivated to weigh in in the morning. I find it really strange that I am having anxiety about getting on the scale. I am afraid that despite my efforts I have not lost but a couple of pounds. I'm by no means looking for Biggest Loser numbers but the 5 that I have planned on would be magnificent. Actually since I started at 202 I am hoping for a 7 pound loss. We'll see...

Keep On Keeping On

This morning I was pumped about adding something new into my exercise rotation (yoga) but as the day went on I found myself feeling really bad. I've been eating like crap (not a lot just a little but even a little can make the excuses come rolling in and before you know it I'm in my room for 4 days with a basket full of junk food...I mean...hypothetically...) and I really didn't want to work out. I was so tired but I pushed on and did it anyway:  Jillian Michaels' shred 1 and Kendal Hogan's Boot Camp Calorie Burn.

 Now I am watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and the YELLOW TEAM made it back onto campus. I have to say that the weight loss the yellow and blue teams have been able to acheive is INCREDIBLE. Cherita and Victoria (mother and daughter) lost 63 pounds in 30 days! 24 and 30 pounds respectively. AMAZING! Oneil lost 51 pounds and Sunshine lost 25 pounds. AMAZING!

Watching this episode I realize that I am able to push myself harder and farther than I think I can go...hopefully...weigh in #1 to come Friday! Motivation!

Stress is a Killer

I am always extremely stressed. Stress to me would have meant eating whatever I want to make myself feel better. My excuse would be "I deserve it!" after a long day of whatever. Oh yeah, that also meant forget exercise! But I am trying to push through. I need a job. Joblessness = no money which means I am living with my mom eating whatever she buys. And believe me she is less than sympathetic about me trying to lose weight. She's one of those who claims she's getting soooo thin after dropping 5 pounds and tries to give me all of her "big clothes" (1/2 a size bigger than she is now) when she is still the same size she used to be nust sausaging herself into the smaller size. Also, I weigh more than her but I'm in my 20s, she's in her 50s, I'm built a lot differently and so we are the same size. Go figure.

So I have bills, am living with my mom (GRRRRRR) and in desperate need of a job (debt: medical bills from surgery I had last year need to be paid among other things)... Instead of eating to calm my stress temporarily I am focusing on getting stronger every day. I am channelling Cindy Whitmarsh. Who wouldn't want a strong body like that?

OH YEAH! MENTIONING STRESS...

...The President gave his State of the Union speech with proposed solutions for people who are in dire need of jobs in this tough economy. He also proposed a plan for people who graduated form college with student loans stating that no one should go broke because they decided to go to college. Without sufficient employment I have had to defer mine for a while (since I graduated in 2008).  I would like to believe everything he says but until I can apply these ideas to my situation...

...exercise for now.