Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 1

It's been a rough week. Motivation has been down and while I have been exercising I have not been in it to win it. Eating has been a mess and all over the place, and...I didn't exercise at all on Sunday! GASP! But I am back on the wagon.

I know this is a long post but I have to take the time and remember and acknowledge how I got to where I am now

I had to do a lot of reevaluating this week; I had to remember why I was working out in the first place which led me to remember what BitchCakes called MY LAST STRAW MOMENT (click the link to her page to read her last straw moment documented back in 2007). I have 2 last straw moments.

Last Straw Moment #1
I was starting college in 2004 which should have been an exciting time in my life but all I remember was going to freshman orientation over the summer and feeling like garbage the entire weekend. The first thing I noticed when walking into the ballrooms at Florida State were all of the tiny girls everywhere. I now see that I was in denial about my size. I had done ballet for 13 years so I was never really big but I thought I was compared to all of the waifs I danced with. When I stopped dancing I put on the pounds by eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I mean I would pile chips on a plate and by the end of the night have eaten the entire family size bag! I ate them and other snacks like it (crackers, oreos and other cookies, etc.) on a large plate because as long as I wasn't eating from the bag or carton I wasn't really overeating. YEAH RIGHT! Needless to say by the time I graduated from high school I was 195 pounds and very puffy looking. I kept telling myself that I was in fact bigger but I wasn't as big as [insert name here]-I just wasn't that fat. I even bought THE FIRM system I kept seeing on tv so I could, you know, "tone up a bit". But I wasn;t just a little bit bigger...I was FAT. I didn't start getting real about my problem until I graduated.

Aside from the fact that I was one of maybe 3 other larger females in the ballrooms I could no longer deny the physical condition I was in. I am from Central Florida so the ground is flat. In Tallahassee there are hills everywhere! What should have been a leisurley tour around campus turned into the most exhausting excursion I had ever experienced. I was already very uncomfortable standing next to all of the petite girls. We had yet do move and I was already sweating! As we trekked up hill after hill from building to building twice I thought I would either pass out or just dip out on my group and catch up with them somewhere later down the line. I though it can't be! I'm in great shape! OH THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES. By the end of the weekend I wanted to do nothing more than go home and never leave the house. I was hideous! But that event only made me depressed about the way I looked and my size and made me eat even more. I started school at FSU weighing 195 pounds. The first semester I spent avoiding my weight issues by focusing on classes and enjoying my freedom. But I wasn't enjoying it at all. I spent all of my time alone in my apartment watching tv. The thought of joining anything was simply out of the question. What would people think with me the big girl crashing their meeting. Going to the gym was laughable. I told myself fat people can't go to the gym (at least not at Florida State where everyone in the gym is there for maintenance). I even started scheduling classes around tv shows. That's when I knew there was a problem. By the second semester I was even more miserable. Spring break rolled around and I remember thinking "people are making plans for spring break and all you can do is go home beacuse you've secluded yourself from the real world beacuse you think you're too fat to be accepted". Home isn't somewhere I wanted to be (there are a whole host of family problems I can't easily talk about without becoming angry so I won't). Something had to be done. So I spent Sunday making a list of groceries, Monday greocery shopping, and started on Tuesday. Like Oprah said let today be your Monday...so I did. I started using Slim Fast as a way to monitor my portions. I did eat real food with the Slim Fast like the directions say to and I strated using my FIRM system. Except I thought that the workout schedule included wasn't enough. Week 1 on THE FIRM I used soup cans because I didn;t have weights. Week 2 I got weights and added NAC Body Parts to the Schedule so instead of taking days off like the schedule suggests I I alternated between the two. By week three and beyond I was doing THE FIRM Cardio Sculpt and NAC Body Parts EVERY DAY. If I missed a workout I would tack it on the next day so if I did only Body Parts one day the next day I would do Cardio Sculpt, and then Body Parts TWICE! Yeah. obsessive I know but I thought that I was ugly and fat and since ugly isn't easily changed I had to lose the weight. THANK GOD I no longer think like that but I was able to lose a substantial amount of weight and thought I looked pretty good.

UPDATES: Food Guilt and Moving On

So the past week...full of guilt. I have bean eating well through the day but then at the end of the day I eat over my caloric limit. The problem with that is I am only going over 1-200 calories which could be a bad thing but it is certainly not the end of the world. So why the panic?

When I used to workout I would exercise for at least 2 hours a day. This time I am easing into all of the exercise so I won't crash and burn. BUT I worked out in such a manic state because I thought that I was grotesque (I would workout for 2 hours a day and if I missed an hour or a planned exercise I would attach it to the 2 hour workout the next day! If I went over a specific amount of calories I would deduct that number from the calories I would have eaten the following day! CRAZY I know.). When I say grotesque I not only meant fat and repulsive but ugly; how are people able to look at my face ugly. I had decided that I could not be fat and ugly. Because I couldn't really do anything about changing my face I knew that I had to become thin and thus be a little more acceptable (blending in rather than sticking out as the ugly girl). This disfunctional thinking caused a lot of problems and was incredibly RIDICULOUS! I know now that there are days that I don;t feel 100% and FEEL ugly but that I am not in fact an ugly person on the inside or out.

But over the past week or so I have been having flashbacks of the emotional state I used to be in. I look at women that are my size and I think wow they're big and beautiful. When I look at myself I think wow I'm pretty big and I look like a cow. Each time I have worked out I have felt incredibly strong only to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see what I describe as disgusting. I know that weight loss is a process and it takes time; as I workout and change my bad habits I will become stronger and so on and so on...

I HATE working out and I don't want to waste my time going through it if I am not going to lose weight or lose weight and still look big. This issue had become my biggest fear. I have come close to talking myself out of workouts because I fear that I will be this size forever-so what's the point? I know weight loss is possible but sometimes...

...so all this week I have been freaking out with every morsel of food that has gone in my mouth...I hate this...

Holding On and Letting Go

I am currently watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and Migdalia was threatening to quit after Jillian tried to be nice in order to open her up as she was isolating herself from the rest of the contestants. After she was getting nowhere per the advice of Bob Jillian got mean with her. She point blank told Migdalia that holding in all of her emotions and putting up this front was what had caused her to become over 300 pounds. Then she proceeded to tell her that her 9 year old daughter would end up overweight and unhappy like she was because she has been taught that crying and emotions are there to make someone "weak". With no other outlet in which to express herself would inevitably cause her to follow in her footsteps as she has followed in her mother's footsteps (for those unfamiliar with this season's biggest loser:  this season is another one with couples. Migdalia and Miggy are a mother daughter team. Migdalia has a 9 year old daughter at home). All of this got me thinking. Although Migdalia took all of the rationale as an insult, exploded and wanted to quit and go home, I completely agree with Jillian. It is important to note that unlike her usual expression Jillian was not yelling at Migdalia through her diatribe. "There is always more to losing weight than the food" INDEED. I have often substituted emotions with crying and blocking out the emotion with food. I thought that if I could find something I enjoy like eating or hanging out with and around other people I could hold down the emotion when I had nowhere else to turn. Since I am often by myself and feel like I am complaining I feel I can only cry to myself and hold all of my emotions inside. Without a viable outlet I turn to food for comfort whether I am aware of it or not. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that I like to eat in front of the tv in order to forget or numb whatever is currently bothering me leading to mindless eating. But it doesn't end there.

I have to confess that I tend to panic. If anyone has ever had a panic attack you know how that feels. Since I have nowhere to process or expel my emotions I also hold onto things from whenever. Sometimes out of the blue I will remember a past experience or situation and obsess about what I could have done, should have said, what I am missing out on and how my life is "the worse off" for it even if that is logically not the case. I spend most of the time talking myself off of a ledge, sometimes for no reason at all.

It has been so easy for me to turn to food because it has always been the one constant in my life. 99.9% of the time it's always good. There's always something for you to choose from for whatever mood you happen to be in. Turning to sex wouldn't work because my body image halts any kind of idea of intimacy in any way, turning to furthering myself academically ( I have a Bachelor of Science in Textiles btut would love to go back to school to pursue a masters degree) or career wise is stopped by the fear of failure. But I have suffered for this attitude towards food, body image, and overall mentality that I am not good enough to succeed in whatever I want in life. In the end my one comfort in the end has failed me and continued this vicious cycle of self hatred/abuse and lack of motivation.

The first step to changing is to acknowledge your feelings and deal with them in the open (finding an outlet that allows you to let go and move on so you can live your life as you are and not someone else you are trying to emulate), stop living in the past (dwelling on the what could have or should have been) and giving yourself some slack.

Issues

Besides working out I spent the day scouring weight loss blogs and ran across a line from "The Shrinking Violet"  (stellaswift.blogspot.com) when she said

"losing weight is never just about food"

it made me stop and think of all the reasons I ended up where I was weight wise. There was more to my weight gain than just "I eat too much."
Hmmm...getting rid of the excess is another big part of this process for sure.

Skinny V. Strong

Besides wanting to lose weight to become thinner I often wonder why other people want to lose weight. I remember the contestants on THE BIGGEST LOSER season 4 where the contestants had Goal T-Shirts. There are of course health reasons for losing weight which are very much an importaant part of becoming a leaner, healthier you but what about FITNESS GOALS. I can't say I have every really had a solid fitness goal because I was always so focused on becoming a skinny version of myself rather than a healthier, stronger version. I have found that as I continue to search weight loss blogs, websites, and other sources I want more and more to become as strong as the women pictured or shown. It would be nice to be able to run a mile. I can't run down the street without feeling like my life is coming to an end heading straight into the white light. Strength and conditioning: to eventually become an athlete.

When I get discouraged I have to remember that excess weight is a side effect of poor eating habits, lack of activity, illness, etc. and can be corrected.

Besides 200 pound weight loss hopefuls aren't the only ones who have transformed their bodies: Demi Moore didn't always have that body! ;-) So it goes without saying that you have to start somewhere and not be afraid to exercise FAT. There's no other way to do it.

For added encouragement when I am overwhelmed by all of the changes I am making and struggling to make exercise a part of my daily routine and get down on myself because the weight isn't magically disappearing I remember the words of Mike Huckabee who said:

Take care of health and fitness and the weight will take care of itself.