Have you ever felt like this guy?

Although I have worked out every day this week there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I have wanted to stop mid workout. I'd be on the elliptical for 20 minutes with 10 minutes to go and think "This is really sucky. I could be asleep right now or watching tv" and be seconds from stopping. What has kept me going this week is my first weigh in day which happens tomorrow and the thought of having worked so hard thus far and giving up. I have also been happy with the results I'm seeing. This past weekend I was trying to find something to wear to a memorial service and was shocked and ecstatic to find that all of my blazers fit! Before exercise started I was unable to button any of them comfortably and some of them I was unable to wear because they were too tight across the back. Sunday I was able to close all of them! Success! But even that couldn't stop me from wanting to give up.  Well I did get through today's exercise:  30 minutes on the elliptical, Jillian Michaels' Frontside and Jillian Michaels' Backside. It took a while but I kept thinking about pushing myself. Well, tommorrow is another day and I am motivated to weigh in in the morning. I find it really strange that I am having anxiety about getting on the scale. I am afraid that despite my efforts I have not lost but a couple of pounds. I'm by no means looking for Biggest Loser numbers but the 5 that I have planned on would be magnificent. Actually since I started at 202 I am hoping for a 7 pound loss. We'll see...

UPDATES: Food Guilt and Moving On

So the past week...full of guilt. I have bean eating well through the day but then at the end of the day I eat over my caloric limit. The problem with that is I am only going over 1-200 calories which could be a bad thing but it is certainly not the end of the world. So why the panic?

When I used to workout I would exercise for at least 2 hours a day. This time I am easing into all of the exercise so I won't crash and burn. BUT I worked out in such a manic state because I thought that I was grotesque (I would workout for 2 hours a day and if I missed an hour or a planned exercise I would attach it to the 2 hour workout the next day! If I went over a specific amount of calories I would deduct that number from the calories I would have eaten the following day! CRAZY I know.). When I say grotesque I not only meant fat and repulsive but ugly; how are people able to look at my face ugly. I had decided that I could not be fat and ugly. Because I couldn't really do anything about changing my face I knew that I had to become thin and thus be a little more acceptable (blending in rather than sticking out as the ugly girl). This disfunctional thinking caused a lot of problems and was incredibly RIDICULOUS! I know now that there are days that I don;t feel 100% and FEEL ugly but that I am not in fact an ugly person on the inside or out.

But over the past week or so I have been having flashbacks of the emotional state I used to be in. I look at women that are my size and I think wow they're big and beautiful. When I look at myself I think wow I'm pretty big and I look like a cow. Each time I have worked out I have felt incredibly strong only to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see what I describe as disgusting. I know that weight loss is a process and it takes time; as I workout and change my bad habits I will become stronger and so on and so on...

I HATE working out and I don't want to waste my time going through it if I am not going to lose weight or lose weight and still look big. This issue had become my biggest fear. I have come close to talking myself out of workouts because I fear that I will be this size forever-so what's the point? I know weight loss is possible but sometimes...

...so all this week I have been freaking out with every morsel of food that has gone in my mouth...I hate this...

A Balance of Weights and Measures

First, It's day 10 of me exercising and I have to say that I am feeling very triumphant. I have a scedule of workout for January and today it was LESS IS MORE CARDIO with Cindy Whitmarsh. I access this workout from exercise tv. As mentioned in a previous post the ON DEMAND channels were not working for about a week so I lucked out and did not have to do it last week Today, however, I had no choice but to suck it up and get it over with. To those who find themselves checking out this workout for themselves may find themselves laughing because the workout is but a mere 30 minutes...try it for yourself. This 30 minutes is an intense ass kicking! Although I dread doing this workout when it ends I inevitably feel incrediblly STRONG. I then got on the elliptical and peddled for 25 minutes rotating between resistance levels 1-5. I seem to be on a roll!

Now, I know that weight loss has to do with more than a number on a scale but I always think of my weight loss in terms of dropping pounds. I am trying to focus on how my clothes are fitting. I have even made a chart with size measurements complete with my current measurements and how many inches I need to lose in order to fit into the next size down. But the scale is always the focal point.

When weighing myself I find that before I step onto the scale my heart starts beating faster. Will I have lost antother half a pound or have I gained 3 (as it always goes that if I have managed to gain weight it is two to three times the amount I have lost)? The need to know keeps me in front of the scale every morning but this week I have managed not to step on it more than once Monday Morning. I should put it away but...

Issues

Besides working out I spent the day scouring weight loss blogs and ran across a line from "The Shrinking Violet"  (stellaswift.blogspot.com) when she said

"losing weight is never just about food"

it made me stop and think of all the reasons I ended up where I was weight wise. There was more to my weight gain than just "I eat too much."
Hmmm...getting rid of the excess is another big part of this process for sure.