Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 2

Last Straw Moment #2
I was able to keep the weight off but I wasn't at my "goal" weight. My social life blossomed and I was very active in school the next few years. I was assistant director of the women's center, the vice president of the Clown Alley on campus, and so on and so forth. Every time I went somewhere there was food. Most of the social time spent with friends was eating. I put on some weight but didn't think to much about it because it was "only 5 pounds" (It was really 10 pounds). By the end of my junior year I was starting to feel a little junky but I chalked it up to stresses of responsibility. Senior year started-I became the director of the women's center and I had gained most of the weight back. The year started and I was pulling double duty with 18 credit hours, two jobs (women's center and student coordinator at the health center), campus ministry responsibilities, life groups, homework and preparation for graduation, all of it. The biggest stressor was the women's center because my board and I weren't clicking like we should have and the stress was unreal. This last straw moment I call the F*@# It Moment. I was walking to my office and just gave up. I literally stopped in the middle of the brick walkway and said F*@# IT! out loud. If I was going to be this tired and stressed every day I was at least going to find something that made me feel better because as I had convinced myself "I deserved It". So I turned around and went directly to the Hardess in the Union. So I didn't look like a typical fatty I stuffed the bag into my back pack and headed to my office. I dropped off the food and walked next door to the Starbucks (they built a free standing Starbucks in the middle of campus right next to my office) and got a Venti White Mocha Latte and ate all of it at my desk. This is how I ate every day for the rest of the year. Total weight 226 pounds. I told the cap and gown people that I was 200 pounds thinking that I weighed a lot but didn't look that heavy (DENIAL DENIAL DENIAL) and that maybe I would lose 5-10 pounds. I lost 4 by graduation at the end of April 2008 but my gown was a little tight and it was hotter than a mofo in the Tally Civic Center. I realized then that I had let myself go. By that time I had also stopped wanting to hang out with anyone and avoided many a phone call to go out because of the way I felt and looked. Not good.

I moved back home in August after graduation and lost 12 pounds from the stress of living with my mother. February 2009 I got a job filling in for a PE teacher and felt like crap because I was the fat PE teacher. I don't have a car so I ended up walking most places (riding the bus and walking to my destination or walking to and from work which is a 10 minute drive but a 90 minute walk) and lost 12 more pounds. I was also too tired to eat like had been eating when I got home. Walking to and from work and being out in the hot sun was enough to put me into a coma. Working as a PE teacher woke me up to the fact that I was completely out of shape. Most things I tried to get the students to do on the field I couldn't do without getting winded so I didn't and to me that was embarrassing. During the summer I worked at the same school as a camp counselor and I refused to do any physical activity with the kids because I was afraid of anyone seeing me out of breath or super sweaty. CRAZY!!! It made me realize how I have been holding myself back from succeeding after college because I am afraid of how people would perceive me becuase of my size. I was also pretty bitter. Unable to find work and living with my mom (we don't get along) made me think of all of the crap I have been holding onto from the past.

I realized that this is no way to live. I also realized that I am fat now but that doesn't always have to be the situation. Losing weight isn't just about becoming a stick. It's about bettering yourself from the inside out and I can see that now. I am focusing on making myself stronger, physically and mentally. I have been working on ways to deal with emotional and mental stress in other ways besides food; I am learning to let go and not allow stress and doubt to deter me from reaching my goals-weight loss and otherwise.
******************************************************
So this weekend I reworked my workout schedule for the month so I won't have to worry about figuring out what to do for the day-I'll just do it. I have also tried to rewrite a list of things I would like to do. You know all of the things you leave off the list because you don;t think that YOU could possibly do them...

Back on Track With a Couple of Last Straw Moments PART 1

It's been a rough week. Motivation has been down and while I have been exercising I have not been in it to win it. Eating has been a mess and all over the place, and...I didn't exercise at all on Sunday! GASP! But I am back on the wagon.

I know this is a long post but I have to take the time and remember and acknowledge how I got to where I am now

I had to do a lot of reevaluating this week; I had to remember why I was working out in the first place which led me to remember what BitchCakes called MY LAST STRAW MOMENT (click the link to her page to read her last straw moment documented back in 2007). I have 2 last straw moments.

Last Straw Moment #1
I was starting college in 2004 which should have been an exciting time in my life but all I remember was going to freshman orientation over the summer and feeling like garbage the entire weekend. The first thing I noticed when walking into the ballrooms at Florida State were all of the tiny girls everywhere. I now see that I was in denial about my size. I had done ballet for 13 years so I was never really big but I thought I was compared to all of the waifs I danced with. When I stopped dancing I put on the pounds by eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I mean I would pile chips on a plate and by the end of the night have eaten the entire family size bag! I ate them and other snacks like it (crackers, oreos and other cookies, etc.) on a large plate because as long as I wasn't eating from the bag or carton I wasn't really overeating. YEAH RIGHT! Needless to say by the time I graduated from high school I was 195 pounds and very puffy looking. I kept telling myself that I was in fact bigger but I wasn't as big as [insert name here]-I just wasn't that fat. I even bought THE FIRM system I kept seeing on tv so I could, you know, "tone up a bit". But I wasn;t just a little bit bigger...I was FAT. I didn't start getting real about my problem until I graduated.

Aside from the fact that I was one of maybe 3 other larger females in the ballrooms I could no longer deny the physical condition I was in. I am from Central Florida so the ground is flat. In Tallahassee there are hills everywhere! What should have been a leisurley tour around campus turned into the most exhausting excursion I had ever experienced. I was already very uncomfortable standing next to all of the petite girls. We had yet do move and I was already sweating! As we trekked up hill after hill from building to building twice I thought I would either pass out or just dip out on my group and catch up with them somewhere later down the line. I though it can't be! I'm in great shape! OH THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES. By the end of the weekend I wanted to do nothing more than go home and never leave the house. I was hideous! But that event only made me depressed about the way I looked and my size and made me eat even more. I started school at FSU weighing 195 pounds. The first semester I spent avoiding my weight issues by focusing on classes and enjoying my freedom. But I wasn't enjoying it at all. I spent all of my time alone in my apartment watching tv. The thought of joining anything was simply out of the question. What would people think with me the big girl crashing their meeting. Going to the gym was laughable. I told myself fat people can't go to the gym (at least not at Florida State where everyone in the gym is there for maintenance). I even started scheduling classes around tv shows. That's when I knew there was a problem. By the second semester I was even more miserable. Spring break rolled around and I remember thinking "people are making plans for spring break and all you can do is go home beacuse you've secluded yourself from the real world beacuse you think you're too fat to be accepted". Home isn't somewhere I wanted to be (there are a whole host of family problems I can't easily talk about without becoming angry so I won't). Something had to be done. So I spent Sunday making a list of groceries, Monday greocery shopping, and started on Tuesday. Like Oprah said let today be your Monday...so I did. I started using Slim Fast as a way to monitor my portions. I did eat real food with the Slim Fast like the directions say to and I strated using my FIRM system. Except I thought that the workout schedule included wasn't enough. Week 1 on THE FIRM I used soup cans because I didn;t have weights. Week 2 I got weights and added NAC Body Parts to the Schedule so instead of taking days off like the schedule suggests I I alternated between the two. By week three and beyond I was doing THE FIRM Cardio Sculpt and NAC Body Parts EVERY DAY. If I missed a workout I would tack it on the next day so if I did only Body Parts one day the next day I would do Cardio Sculpt, and then Body Parts TWICE! Yeah. obsessive I know but I thought that I was ugly and fat and since ugly isn't easily changed I had to lose the weight. THANK GOD I no longer think like that but I was able to lose a substantial amount of weight and thought I looked pretty good.

Food and Cravings = ?

I have been doing pretty good with eating fewer calories. Since I have been able to lose 8 pounds as of my first weigh in I have been motivated to really stay on track with eating and working out. It is hard to stay motivated to exercise because...let's face it...who really likes to workout? I do understand those who say they like the high they get after working out but that really doesn't do it for me. What has kept me motivated is the watching the way my body is changing. Fitting into my clothes better is reason enough for me to keep going. Not to mention that each time I work out I get stronger and then get to move on to the harder moves. Bring it Jillian!

Okay, back to eating. I don't have the funds as of right now to buy full on groceries to cook any type of elaborate meals so I have kept it simple. As the funds start coming in (which may not be for a while) on the regular my next goal is to change simply hitting a specific range of calories into changing the foods I am eating. Don;t get me wrong I do eat fruits and vegetable when I can get them but they don;t seem to be the center of my eating. I ususally have apples, bananas, lettuce for salads and sandwiches, and then green beans and some other type of legume for dinner. See? Simple vegetables and fruit choices. I also buy bran flakes or oatmeal, eggs, yogurt, bread or pasta (wheat of course), cheese for sandwiches, and some type of soup and eat all of those in rotation everyday. As the budget expands so will the list (...Oh the joys of having a decent paycheck! There was a time where I went to the grocery store every couple of days just because. I love grocery shopping and it really sucks not being able to buy the food you really want...).

I think because of this monotony right now all I want to do is buy junk food. As I mentioned before when it comes to junk food you need to GO BIG or GO HOME! Tonight I have eaten some werthers candy which I love and as I am typing this it is tempting me to make all of the baked goods in the house and eat them in one sitting. Okay maybe not in one sitting but I have been known to eat an entire cake by myself in one day-you know-a slice at 8am, another at 10:30am, and so on and so forth. Cravings are a killer. I can usually get through them but sometimes I want the Large value meal with a side order of cake.

This is what I am tempted to do when people are around me eating what they want and I am making healthier more conscious choices: order everything on the menu and stack it together and chow down!

It may seem small but I have to remember that 8 pounds is 8 pounds that I can leave in the past and 14+ inches is nothing to scoff at. Do I really want to derail all of the effort I have put into losing that 8 pounds by binging on cake? Sure there will be days where the fries will win over the side salad but you better believe those fries will be the children's size!!!

Have you ever felt like this guy?

Although I have worked out every day this week there hasn't been a day that's gone by that I have wanted to stop mid workout. I'd be on the elliptical for 20 minutes with 10 minutes to go and think "This is really sucky. I could be asleep right now or watching tv" and be seconds from stopping. What has kept me going this week is my first weigh in day which happens tomorrow and the thought of having worked so hard thus far and giving up. I have also been happy with the results I'm seeing. This past weekend I was trying to find something to wear to a memorial service and was shocked and ecstatic to find that all of my blazers fit! Before exercise started I was unable to button any of them comfortably and some of them I was unable to wear because they were too tight across the back. Sunday I was able to close all of them! Success! But even that couldn't stop me from wanting to give up.  Well I did get through today's exercise:  30 minutes on the elliptical, Jillian Michaels' Frontside and Jillian Michaels' Backside. It took a while but I kept thinking about pushing myself. Well, tommorrow is another day and I am motivated to weigh in in the morning. I find it really strange that I am having anxiety about getting on the scale. I am afraid that despite my efforts I have not lost but a couple of pounds. I'm by no means looking for Biggest Loser numbers but the 5 that I have planned on would be magnificent. Actually since I started at 202 I am hoping for a 7 pound loss. We'll see...

Keep On Keeping On

This morning I was pumped about adding something new into my exercise rotation (yoga) but as the day went on I found myself feeling really bad. I've been eating like crap (not a lot just a little but even a little can make the excuses come rolling in and before you know it I'm in my room for 4 days with a basket full of junk food...I mean...hypothetically...) and I really didn't want to work out. I was so tired but I pushed on and did it anyway:  Jillian Michaels' shred 1 and Kendal Hogan's Boot Camp Calorie Burn.

 Now I am watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and the YELLOW TEAM made it back onto campus. I have to say that the weight loss the yellow and blue teams have been able to acheive is INCREDIBLE. Cherita and Victoria (mother and daughter) lost 63 pounds in 30 days! 24 and 30 pounds respectively. AMAZING! Oneil lost 51 pounds and Sunshine lost 25 pounds. AMAZING!

Watching this episode I realize that I am able to push myself harder and farther than I think I can go...hopefully...weigh in #1 to come Friday! Motivation!

Stress is a Killer

I am always extremely stressed. Stress to me would have meant eating whatever I want to make myself feel better. My excuse would be "I deserve it!" after a long day of whatever. Oh yeah, that also meant forget exercise! But I am trying to push through. I need a job. Joblessness = no money which means I am living with my mom eating whatever she buys. And believe me she is less than sympathetic about me trying to lose weight. She's one of those who claims she's getting soooo thin after dropping 5 pounds and tries to give me all of her "big clothes" (1/2 a size bigger than she is now) when she is still the same size she used to be nust sausaging herself into the smaller size. Also, I weigh more than her but I'm in my 20s, she's in her 50s, I'm built a lot differently and so we are the same size. Go figure.

So I have bills, am living with my mom (GRRRRRR) and in desperate need of a job (debt: medical bills from surgery I had last year need to be paid among other things)... Instead of eating to calm my stress temporarily I am focusing on getting stronger every day. I am channelling Cindy Whitmarsh. Who wouldn't want a strong body like that?

OH YEAH! MENTIONING STRESS...

...The President gave his State of the Union speech with proposed solutions for people who are in dire need of jobs in this tough economy. He also proposed a plan for people who graduated form college with student loans stating that no one should go broke because they decided to go to college. Without sufficient employment I have had to defer mine for a while (since I graduated in 2008).  I would like to believe everything he says but until I can apply these ideas to my situation...

...exercise for now.

UPDATES: Food Guilt and Moving On

So the past week...full of guilt. I have bean eating well through the day but then at the end of the day I eat over my caloric limit. The problem with that is I am only going over 1-200 calories which could be a bad thing but it is certainly not the end of the world. So why the panic?

When I used to workout I would exercise for at least 2 hours a day. This time I am easing into all of the exercise so I won't crash and burn. BUT I worked out in such a manic state because I thought that I was grotesque (I would workout for 2 hours a day and if I missed an hour or a planned exercise I would attach it to the 2 hour workout the next day! If I went over a specific amount of calories I would deduct that number from the calories I would have eaten the following day! CRAZY I know.). When I say grotesque I not only meant fat and repulsive but ugly; how are people able to look at my face ugly. I had decided that I could not be fat and ugly. Because I couldn't really do anything about changing my face I knew that I had to become thin and thus be a little more acceptable (blending in rather than sticking out as the ugly girl). This disfunctional thinking caused a lot of problems and was incredibly RIDICULOUS! I know now that there are days that I don;t feel 100% and FEEL ugly but that I am not in fact an ugly person on the inside or out.

But over the past week or so I have been having flashbacks of the emotional state I used to be in. I look at women that are my size and I think wow they're big and beautiful. When I look at myself I think wow I'm pretty big and I look like a cow. Each time I have worked out I have felt incredibly strong only to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see what I describe as disgusting. I know that weight loss is a process and it takes time; as I workout and change my bad habits I will become stronger and so on and so on...

I HATE working out and I don't want to waste my time going through it if I am not going to lose weight or lose weight and still look big. This issue had become my biggest fear. I have come close to talking myself out of workouts because I fear that I will be this size forever-so what's the point? I know weight loss is possible but sometimes...

...so all this week I have been freaking out with every morsel of food that has gone in my mouth...I hate this...

Fast Food Is NOT Calorie Free

As mentioned before I LOVE FAST FOOD!!! I always believe that when eating out you should go for the whole shebang:  GO FRIED OR GO HOME! In other words why pay for something like a salad when it is a meal that is easily duplicated at home? If you're making the choice to spend money on a quick premade meal it should be something that you cannot make on your own, a tast you are unable to duplicate. Also why not go for the extra [insert your favorite menu item here] when it is most likely only going to cost you pennies extra?!

BUT TODAY I TRIUMPHED!!

I did eat a sausage biscuit this morning (it is the weekend)..but just a sausage biscuit, no egg, no hashbrowns- (I have to mention here that fried potatoes of any kind are one of my absolute favorite things in life. Not just in the food category but in life!) to which I would have ordered an extra 2 for $1. Triumph! Then later in the day I made it to a Chik-Fil-A where I debated between the grilled chicken sandwich or the regular chicken sandwich. I got the original deluxe (lettuce and tomato added) but then did something I would have previously thought incomprehensible:  I exchanged the waffle fries for...a fruit cup. The only consolation for this action was the fact that the small fries has 280 calories. The fries that comes with the meal is a large so who knows how many calories would have been in that one. The fruit cup was a mere 70 calories! SCORE! I did have my next favorite thing that may have slipped me up and made my chest hurt with guilt as I ordered it:  Dr. Pepper (to me this magical concoction of 23 flavors is like the crack of the carbonated beverage world to me). I did not get to drink it however because I ended up going to the mall and leaving it in the car where it became a watered down mess. SAVED!

It is important to note that Dr. Pepper and fast food are not in fact a staple in my diet which is why my go big or go home philosophy always made a lot of sense to me. I would always go for the fried option when I could because I believed a grilled, seared, broiled whatever would not satiate my cravings. I have come to the conclusion that:

1) Although I do like the fullness that comes with food I like the taste of food even more and thus always seem to gorge myself on the wrong stuff

2) I always trying to put down as much as I can because I would have it in my mind that if I did not buy or accept the fried, sugary whatever when it is offered or available that I would not be able to get more of it later. Does that make sense? Most of the time I do not have the funds to just buy exorbitant amounts of cookies so I would eat whatever I was could when offered...especially if it is FREE! Other times (when I was making enough money to support my bad habits) I would buy whatever I was craving and eat it all in an absurdly short amount of time and simply replenish as I ran out. In those times I would always grab foods I liked when I saw them whether I needed it or not. I would then wait for an optimal time in which to eat all of it. This would ususally be at home in front of the tv or alone in my office watching movies on the computer.

3) I am an severe UNDERTASTER (for more information check out http://dietshmiet.com/are-you-an-undertaster-or-overtaster/ for an easy test to see if you are an over or undertaster. I found out I was an undertaster in biology lab in college; an experiment using iodine and litmus paper). This means that I:

"usually like fruit and veggies, but many under-tasters have a lot of cravings, because they can never really seem to satifsy their palate."

I need lots of seasoning or salt or sugar in order to really taste the food.  Because of this I tend to confuse adding more seasoning to my food with eating more and more to get my craving for taste satiated. It does make sense that I would say that I love the taste of food.

With all of this in mind I have to trick myself into better habits before they become common place. For now I am resolved to make healthy choices when dining out no matter how painful I think they are at first. While I have told myself that I am wasting money by getting the healthier option (which may cost me more monetarily) or not practicing good economical sense by not ordering the up size or extra side from the dollar menu I have to acknowledge the fact that in the long run the so called "bargain" choices are in fact the more costly (to my health) in the end. I mean come on! Have we learned nothing from Morgan Spurlock?

Food Wars

As hard as it is to get off the couch and exercise it's harder not to eat out of sheer habit. I tend to count calories when I start trying to do the healthy thing instead of the convenient thing. For me counting calories or having a good estimate of how many I'm putting into my mouth is a way to force myself to choose alternatives. If I have a 1500 calorie limit am I going to use them all on a burger and fries or am I going to eat a slice of pizza, salad, and have room for 3 more decent size meals and a snack? When you put it all on paper and you see how many more options you have when you choose nutrient dense foods instead of empty calories but...I become obsessive. When that happens I have to remind myself that:

1) Food isn't the enemy
2) I don't have to feel guilty if I want and eat that ice cream (as long as it's not the whole carton) and
3) EATING IS NOT A HOBBY!