I did It!

Today I spent away from home and had to make some serious food decisions. I was pretty pissed when I didn't have a chance to eat breakfast and even more pissed when I found myself ready to gnaw my arm off at 1pm. My mom and I decided to get Quiznos but it didn't work out. The food was not good and if their is anything I have learned to do is to not eat food just because it's there so we didn't eat it. However, it was to be another 2-3 hours before we actually ate anything. Earlier in the day (around 12) I did have a 100 calorie cookie thinking it would tide me over for at least 30 minutes until we got food but...
Anyway, we ended up at a KFC. In the past week when eating out I have gotten KFC's 395 calorie meal even though it killed me to have the mashed potatoes and green beans with grilled chicken instead of original recipe with a double order of potato wedges or potato wedges and mashed potatoes (double starch I know but it was so damn good who cared? The only thing I cared about was the fact that I would run out...) but I have to figure that every decision I make counts towards or against my goal so I opt to choose wisely. But today I got a popcorn chicken kids meal with potato wedges and-a soda! The soda, though was a snack size (smaller than the small) and I filled it up with ice so I only got around 8 oz of Dr. Pepper (100 calories). I also had a fun size peanut M&Ms pack I got from a little boy taking donations for his church outside of one of the stores we went into which was only 90 calories. When I added up all of the calories in my meal and extras which included one of my mom's regular crispy wings (she waited 20 minutes for crispy instead of original recipe and they gave her an extra wing) and 2 honey mustard sauces (I put honey mustrad on everything) it came to 1400 calories exactly! I shoot for 1400-1500 calories a day. Before I sat down to write this post I did have another one of those 100 calorie cookies. I did, however, come home and workout instead of going baack out with my mom:  30 minutes on the elliptical, Less is more cardio with Cindy Whitmarsh-30 minutes, and Incredible abs also with Cindy Whitmarsh-20 minutes. As mentioned before we have exercise tv at home and my mom has an elliptical in the kitchen (she has the most random stuff in the most random places...and she doesn't ever seem to throw anything away. We have had that elliptical for a while but it needed batteries for the display to work and for the resistance levels to function so it has been sitting in the kitchen untouched for the past few years. That's not true. When I moved home we did use it to hang clothes when they needed to air dry. We still do but now I also use it almost daily to workout :-). I got new batteries for it when I started working out again so I am able to track my calories and stuff on it. Yay for small victories!

A "WHOLE" Lot of Problems

I have to know what people think about this. I have been reading some fat acceptance blogs and sites  (which are fabulous for anyone to read; they really teach you a thing or two about being who you are no matter what you are) and I have come across this issue multiple times:  WHOLE FOODS is offering to higher employee discounts if they have a BMI lower than 30!!!! The store claims that this incentive to employers is offered as a means to control the cost of health insurance covered by the company. Within this program there are different levels: Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum for BMI ranges below 30, 28, 26, and 24 to get discount levels of 22, 25, 27, and the coveted 30%. In addition to each level's BMI employers are expected to kick the nicotine habit if they have one and be tested for blood pressure and cholesterol levels within their specific BMI range. It needs to be mentioned that this program is simply an incentive and is OPTIONAL for all employess. All employees will still receive a 20% discount.

All over the internet I have been reading rants about this new incentive program and I do understand where they are coming from. A person's health is not simply measured by your body mass index which more often than not does not account for age, frame size, muscle mass or medical conditions that may contribute to high blood pressure and cholesterol, etc. So people who want the discount but do not fall into these very specific health ranges are at a grave disadvantage.

I was also a little disturbed when you figure that the company is withholding a discount for healthy foods from the people who need it more than those who have already acheived their desired weight, have active lifestyles, or healthier habits. That's not to say that larger people do not eat healthy foods or have active lifestyles but in order to fit into this stereotyped body ideal holding out a sometimes much needed discount seemed wrong until I read a little closer...

In  paragraphs 6 and 7 of the letters sent to employees (posted at the end of this entry) tell of other programs sponsored by WHOLE FOODS "such as the Total Immersion Program and the Green Trek Challenge (based off of their Health Starts Here Initiative started this year), the Healthy Discount Program is completely voluntary. The Total Immersion Program is a free service to team members offering them health and wellness education. WHOLE FOODS is also partnering with Eat Right America and Engine 2 Diet to offer not only team members but also customers in store education and help when shopping that...

"...will feature free information, recipes, in-store lectures, events and support groups. A selection of supporting educational books and cookbooks will also be for sale alongside the “Engine 2 Diet” book and “Eat Right America” program materials"

See more about the Health Start Initiative and it's prgrams at  www.wholefoodsmarket.com/healthstartshere

While I would be a little hurt because I am one of those employees that would not be able to get a greater discount (I do not work for WHOLE FOODS) although I do not look "unhealthy" and I would like to save a penny anywhere I can I really don't see the harm in these new programs (besides a bruised ego). It looks like WHOLE FOODS is going in the right direction when it comes to making things better for their employees and their communities. The Healthy Discount program would cause me to get involved in one of thier Health Start Initiative programs, not to follow the crowd but to use these tools offered to me in order to find out how to impliment these skills and habits into my lifestyle so that I am able to lead a healthier more active life; everyone who has had a plan work for them could always learn something from someone else and what works for them...

OTHER HELPFUL SITES

Eat Right America  www.eatrightamerica.com/wfmEat
"Right America’s personalized nutritional assessment tool, called “Nutrition Prescription,” which offers individual nutrition and health assessments combined with personalized eating plans."

The Engine 2 Diet  http://www.engine2academy.com/
"A [book outlining a] plant-strong plan that can help with weight loss, lower cholesterol and reduce the risk of disease."

Here are the two letter sent to the employees:

(Simply click on the Letter Images to Enlarge and Read)

Letter 1

Letter 2

Stress is a Killer

I am always extremely stressed. Stress to me would have meant eating whatever I want to make myself feel better. My excuse would be "I deserve it!" after a long day of whatever. Oh yeah, that also meant forget exercise! But I am trying to push through. I need a job. Joblessness = no money which means I am living with my mom eating whatever she buys. And believe me she is less than sympathetic about me trying to lose weight. She's one of those who claims she's getting soooo thin after dropping 5 pounds and tries to give me all of her "big clothes" (1/2 a size bigger than she is now) when she is still the same size she used to be nust sausaging herself into the smaller size. Also, I weigh more than her but I'm in my 20s, she's in her 50s, I'm built a lot differently and so we are the same size. Go figure.

So I have bills, am living with my mom (GRRRRRR) and in desperate need of a job (debt: medical bills from surgery I had last year need to be paid among other things)... Instead of eating to calm my stress temporarily I am focusing on getting stronger every day. I am channelling Cindy Whitmarsh. Who wouldn't want a strong body like that?

OH YEAH! MENTIONING STRESS...

...The President gave his State of the Union speech with proposed solutions for people who are in dire need of jobs in this tough economy. He also proposed a plan for people who graduated form college with student loans stating that no one should go broke because they decided to go to college. Without sufficient employment I have had to defer mine for a while (since I graduated in 2008).  I would like to believe everything he says but until I can apply these ideas to my situation...

...exercise for now.

I'm No Foodie But...

...I did manage to make some pasta. I don't opt for pasta because I don't really care for spaghetti sauce and alfredo sauce is just exorbitant in calories; it's a sauce where once I start adding it in I say "to hell with hit" and pile it on. Instead of regular tomato sauce or a flavored sauce I opted for salsa instead. It has all of the flavor I am looking for without having to add a lot of anything else (see my previous post on being a gross under taster). YUM!
*The picture above is not the pasta I made but it did look exactly like that, except that I used whole wheat pasta.

The Biggest Load of $#@! Part 2

I'M SEEING RED

I watched THE BIGGEST LOSER last night and I can not believe the drama. I have to admit I found myself yelling at the tv when the red team won immunity and had the obligation of handing out penalties to three teams. I think that the red team does want to lose weight in order to better themselves for their kids but I also believe that they like the game play even more. I can't stand the way they go about things and  believe all of their excuses are pure $#@! I was mad when they threw the weigh in 2 weeks in a row and then on the third week won immunity forcing Migdalia to go home (never mind that Migdalia wanted to go home...that's soooo besides the point). The two weeks they threw the weigh in 2 innocent contestants who really needed to be there were eliminated leaving other contestants without their partners. Jillian called them out on their crap last week and this week Jillian AND the green team Miggy and Migdalia called them out on their garbage. The red team though is holding to the premise that they are trying to do what they think is best for all of themselves and the othr teams by playing the game. Their first focus should be to lose the weight and stop messing with everyone elses' chances to better themselves by forcing another team to leave before their time. They should be ashamed of themselves!!!! So while other teams have been consistently losing weight Melissa had lost nothing the first two weigh ins and then eventually found a change on the scale when she GAINED a pound! Last night she finally dropped 11 pounds but really...? I think they should both be sent home because I think they are cheating all of the other contestants out of a true and heart felt goal of losing weight to be stronger, healthier, and changing their lifestyle. They need to be their in order to learn what they need to learn in a consistent manner for as long as they are able to stay on the ranch so they are able to break their bad habits. Although the exercise looks crazy and intense and is way out of the realm of normal exercise (that is unless you have 6 hours a day to devote to exercise-I currently do but DO NOT want to workout for six hours a day thank you) I do believe that even if they find themselves struggling they are going to be euipped with the knowledge to  make conscious choices and decisions every day out in the real world.

Here is a picture of the red team causing all of the commotion:

I can't wait until next week's episode though. One of the eliminated teams will win a place on the ranch. I'm excited to see the progress of teams yellow and blue! I am, however, more anxious to see who the ambulance is for. That's right! Someone is going out on a stretcher (I'm not glad someone's hurt I just want to see who it could possibly be)!

The Biggest Load of $#@!

WORKOUT TRIALS

In addition to my daily 30 minute trek on the elliptical I also do an actual workout so that I get in cardio and strength training. I would have done Kendall Hogan's Bootcamp Cardio Burn which I love but I have been doint that workout in lu of the elliptical on the same days I do NAC Body Parts. So in I took this free space on m y calendar as an opportunity to do something new. Because I conveniently have Exercise Tv today I tried to do The Biggest Loser Bootcamp exercise (it is on exercise tv) with Bob Harper. LAME! So I tried The Biggest Loser Power Sculpt with Jillian Michaels. DOUBLE LAME! I love to do Jillian Michaels Frontside, Backside, all of the Shreds and Boost Metabolism, No more Trouble Zones workouts because they are challenging and they are very structured. I have to say that these two Biggest Loser workouts are sloppy. The actual moves, what Bob or Jillian have you do is not the problem, but the actual structure of the workouts are ridiculous. Bob's wasn't so bad. Come to think of it not that bad at all. I simply found myself bored and didn't feel like I was getting the burn I needed. Jillian's workout however, was hard to follow because all of the participants (all Biggest Loser contestants and winners) were out of sync and you could tell that many of them were unsure of how to do the actual exercise (which is strange because they have lost weight doign these exact moves- or so we think). Some of them seemed to have good form and were ata steady pace but the rest of them were all over the place. Overall it was hard to find more than three people at a time who had the same form and were going at the same pace. Jillian would say okay we have five more and in that segment you would have some then do five while others did eight, and another did six. I almost couldn't take it!

After that fiasco I did do Cindy Whitmarsh's Incredible Abs 2. I have to say that it is hard but is without a doubt my new favorite thing. I usually abhor working on my abs and they often don't get individual attention like the rest of my trouble zones.

I love her and all of her workouts!

Much Needed Motivation

In lu of my emotional crisis over the past week I have decided to not let small set backs become mountainous obstacle. So I have been trying to remeber some of my external motivators. In this case people who keep me going. Besides the contestants on THE BIGGEST LOSER who are a motivation in their own right I am getting excited about the new season of CELEBRITY FIT CLUB. Just check out this season's cast.

THE CAST OF CELEBRITY FIT CLUB 2010

Show to air February 08 2010

Kevin Federline (Mr. Britney), Shar Jackson (actress and Federlines baby momma #1), Bobby Brown (Whitney's crack partner), Nicole Eggert (Baywatch Babe) , Kaycee Stroh (High School Musical), Sebastian Bach ( Former front man of Skid Row, Actor-Gilmore Girls anyone?), Tanisha "pop off" Thomas (Bad Girl's Club Season 2) and Jay McCarroll (Season 1 winner Project Runway).

                                                

UPDATES: Food Guilt and Moving On

So the past week...full of guilt. I have bean eating well through the day but then at the end of the day I eat over my caloric limit. The problem with that is I am only going over 1-200 calories which could be a bad thing but it is certainly not the end of the world. So why the panic?

When I used to workout I would exercise for at least 2 hours a day. This time I am easing into all of the exercise so I won't crash and burn. BUT I worked out in such a manic state because I thought that I was grotesque (I would workout for 2 hours a day and if I missed an hour or a planned exercise I would attach it to the 2 hour workout the next day! If I went over a specific amount of calories I would deduct that number from the calories I would have eaten the following day! CRAZY I know.). When I say grotesque I not only meant fat and repulsive but ugly; how are people able to look at my face ugly. I had decided that I could not be fat and ugly. Because I couldn't really do anything about changing my face I knew that I had to become thin and thus be a little more acceptable (blending in rather than sticking out as the ugly girl). This disfunctional thinking caused a lot of problems and was incredibly RIDICULOUS! I know now that there are days that I don;t feel 100% and FEEL ugly but that I am not in fact an ugly person on the inside or out.

But over the past week or so I have been having flashbacks of the emotional state I used to be in. I look at women that are my size and I think wow they're big and beautiful. When I look at myself I think wow I'm pretty big and I look like a cow. Each time I have worked out I have felt incredibly strong only to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see what I describe as disgusting. I know that weight loss is a process and it takes time; as I workout and change my bad habits I will become stronger and so on and so on...

I HATE working out and I don't want to waste my time going through it if I am not going to lose weight or lose weight and still look big. This issue had become my biggest fear. I have come close to talking myself out of workouts because I fear that I will be this size forever-so what's the point? I know weight loss is possible but sometimes...

...so all this week I have been freaking out with every morsel of food that has gone in my mouth...I hate this...

Stronger than Yesterday

Working out has been a success. I have not been focusing on the scale but have been focusing on how I feel each time I work out. I am getting stronger and I like it! I am trying to make it through the month and see if I have reached my goal to lose 5 pounds. 5 pounds is a reasonable goal in my mind because if I try to go for more than that I end up trying to push myself way to hard and burn out, then give up. Also, if I am able  to take this one day at a time I am able to acheive so much more. My fitness goal is to be an athlete. While watching the biggest loser and watching Jillian run out of the weight room makes me want to acheive more physically. Right now I am not able to run...anywhere. It feels ackward and weird and I get winded and start breathing like I'm having an asthma attack and I don't have asthma. Everyday Counts!

Holding On and Letting Go

I am currently watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and Migdalia was threatening to quit after Jillian tried to be nice in order to open her up as she was isolating herself from the rest of the contestants. After she was getting nowhere per the advice of Bob Jillian got mean with her. She point blank told Migdalia that holding in all of her emotions and putting up this front was what had caused her to become over 300 pounds. Then she proceeded to tell her that her 9 year old daughter would end up overweight and unhappy like she was because she has been taught that crying and emotions are there to make someone "weak". With no other outlet in which to express herself would inevitably cause her to follow in her footsteps as she has followed in her mother's footsteps (for those unfamiliar with this season's biggest loser:  this season is another one with couples. Migdalia and Miggy are a mother daughter team. Migdalia has a 9 year old daughter at home). All of this got me thinking. Although Migdalia took all of the rationale as an insult, exploded and wanted to quit and go home, I completely agree with Jillian. It is important to note that unlike her usual expression Jillian was not yelling at Migdalia through her diatribe. "There is always more to losing weight than the food" INDEED. I have often substituted emotions with crying and blocking out the emotion with food. I thought that if I could find something I enjoy like eating or hanging out with and around other people I could hold down the emotion when I had nowhere else to turn. Since I am often by myself and feel like I am complaining I feel I can only cry to myself and hold all of my emotions inside. Without a viable outlet I turn to food for comfort whether I am aware of it or not. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that I like to eat in front of the tv in order to forget or numb whatever is currently bothering me leading to mindless eating. But it doesn't end there.

I have to confess that I tend to panic. If anyone has ever had a panic attack you know how that feels. Since I have nowhere to process or expel my emotions I also hold onto things from whenever. Sometimes out of the blue I will remember a past experience or situation and obsess about what I could have done, should have said, what I am missing out on and how my life is "the worse off" for it even if that is logically not the case. I spend most of the time talking myself off of a ledge, sometimes for no reason at all.

It has been so easy for me to turn to food because it has always been the one constant in my life. 99.9% of the time it's always good. There's always something for you to choose from for whatever mood you happen to be in. Turning to sex wouldn't work because my body image halts any kind of idea of intimacy in any way, turning to furthering myself academically ( I have a Bachelor of Science in Textiles btut would love to go back to school to pursue a masters degree) or career wise is stopped by the fear of failure. But I have suffered for this attitude towards food, body image, and overall mentality that I am not good enough to succeed in whatever I want in life. In the end my one comfort in the end has failed me and continued this vicious cycle of self hatred/abuse and lack of motivation.

The first step to changing is to acknowledge your feelings and deal with them in the open (finding an outlet that allows you to let go and move on so you can live your life as you are and not someone else you are trying to emulate), stop living in the past (dwelling on the what could have or should have been) and giving yourself some slack.

It's 1:05am

It's 1:05am. Am I asleep? Apparently NOT! What was that about getting adequate sleep? Major fail for tonight...I mean...THIS MORNING. AAAAHHHHH! More on the mall trip mentioned in the previous blog later. SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP!

Fast Food Is NOT Calorie Free

As mentioned before I LOVE FAST FOOD!!! I always believe that when eating out you should go for the whole shebang:  GO FRIED OR GO HOME! In other words why pay for something like a salad when it is a meal that is easily duplicated at home? If you're making the choice to spend money on a quick premade meal it should be something that you cannot make on your own, a tast you are unable to duplicate. Also why not go for the extra [insert your favorite menu item here] when it is most likely only going to cost you pennies extra?!

BUT TODAY I TRIUMPHED!!

I did eat a sausage biscuit this morning (it is the weekend)..but just a sausage biscuit, no egg, no hashbrowns- (I have to mention here that fried potatoes of any kind are one of my absolute favorite things in life. Not just in the food category but in life!) to which I would have ordered an extra 2 for $1. Triumph! Then later in the day I made it to a Chik-Fil-A where I debated between the grilled chicken sandwich or the regular chicken sandwich. I got the original deluxe (lettuce and tomato added) but then did something I would have previously thought incomprehensible:  I exchanged the waffle fries for...a fruit cup. The only consolation for this action was the fact that the small fries has 280 calories. The fries that comes with the meal is a large so who knows how many calories would have been in that one. The fruit cup was a mere 70 calories! SCORE! I did have my next favorite thing that may have slipped me up and made my chest hurt with guilt as I ordered it:  Dr. Pepper (to me this magical concoction of 23 flavors is like the crack of the carbonated beverage world to me). I did not get to drink it however because I ended up going to the mall and leaving it in the car where it became a watered down mess. SAVED!

It is important to note that Dr. Pepper and fast food are not in fact a staple in my diet which is why my go big or go home philosophy always made a lot of sense to me. I would always go for the fried option when I could because I believed a grilled, seared, broiled whatever would not satiate my cravings. I have come to the conclusion that:

1) Although I do like the fullness that comes with food I like the taste of food even more and thus always seem to gorge myself on the wrong stuff

2) I always trying to put down as much as I can because I would have it in my mind that if I did not buy or accept the fried, sugary whatever when it is offered or available that I would not be able to get more of it later. Does that make sense? Most of the time I do not have the funds to just buy exorbitant amounts of cookies so I would eat whatever I was could when offered...especially if it is FREE! Other times (when I was making enough money to support my bad habits) I would buy whatever I was craving and eat it all in an absurdly short amount of time and simply replenish as I ran out. In those times I would always grab foods I liked when I saw them whether I needed it or not. I would then wait for an optimal time in which to eat all of it. This would ususally be at home in front of the tv or alone in my office watching movies on the computer.

3) I am an severe UNDERTASTER (for more information check out http://dietshmiet.com/are-you-an-undertaster-or-overtaster/ for an easy test to see if you are an over or undertaster. I found out I was an undertaster in biology lab in college; an experiment using iodine and litmus paper). This means that I:

"usually like fruit and veggies, but many under-tasters have a lot of cravings, because they can never really seem to satifsy their palate."

I need lots of seasoning or salt or sugar in order to really taste the food.  Because of this I tend to confuse adding more seasoning to my food with eating more and more to get my craving for taste satiated. It does make sense that I would say that I love the taste of food.

With all of this in mind I have to trick myself into better habits before they become common place. For now I am resolved to make healthy choices when dining out no matter how painful I think they are at first. While I have told myself that I am wasting money by getting the healthier option (which may cost me more monetarily) or not practicing good economical sense by not ordering the up size or extra side from the dollar menu I have to acknowledge the fact that in the long run the so called "bargain" choices are in fact the more costly (to my health) in the end. I mean come on! Have we learned nothing from Morgan Spurlock?

SLEEP! It Does a Body Good...

It is 12:52am and I am in desperate need of some SLEEP!!! I have been reading blogs like a junkie and have spent the last few days in a web induced coma. It took reading Shanti's page "How I Lose Weight" on her weight loss blog (found at http://www.antishayweightloss.com/) to remember that beside the exercise and conscious eating:

"It’s just really important to sleep. Sleep helps you regulate your metabolism and digestion, and keeps you energized so that you can work out regularly without exhaustion. Sleep is a rehabilitative process for the body, so while you sleep you flush out the fat that you burnt that day and repair your muscles so that they’re stronger for the next time you work out.

Sleep… does the body good."

This is an area I really need to work on. Add that to the list along with staying away from the scale.

Off to sleep I go!

A Balance of Weights and Measures

First, It's day 10 of me exercising and I have to say that I am feeling very triumphant. I have a scedule of workout for January and today it was LESS IS MORE CARDIO with Cindy Whitmarsh. I access this workout from exercise tv. As mentioned in a previous post the ON DEMAND channels were not working for about a week so I lucked out and did not have to do it last week Today, however, I had no choice but to suck it up and get it over with. To those who find themselves checking out this workout for themselves may find themselves laughing because the workout is but a mere 30 minutes...try it for yourself. This 30 minutes is an intense ass kicking! Although I dread doing this workout when it ends I inevitably feel incrediblly STRONG. I then got on the elliptical and peddled for 25 minutes rotating between resistance levels 1-5. I seem to be on a roll!

Now, I know that weight loss has to do with more than a number on a scale but I always think of my weight loss in terms of dropping pounds. I am trying to focus on how my clothes are fitting. I have even made a chart with size measurements complete with my current measurements and how many inches I need to lose in order to fit into the next size down. But the scale is always the focal point.

When weighing myself I find that before I step onto the scale my heart starts beating faster. Will I have lost antother half a pound or have I gained 3 (as it always goes that if I have managed to gain weight it is two to three times the amount I have lost)? The need to know keeps me in front of the scale every morning but this week I have managed not to step on it more than once Monday Morning. I should put it away but...

Issues

Besides working out I spent the day scouring weight loss blogs and ran across a line from "The Shrinking Violet"  (stellaswift.blogspot.com) when she said

"losing weight is never just about food"

it made me stop and think of all the reasons I ended up where I was weight wise. There was more to my weight gain than just "I eat too much."
Hmmm...getting rid of the excess is another big part of this process for sure.

Never Give Up!!

My ON DEMAND channels haven't worked for the past couple of days and today was no different so I was unable to access Exercise TV on demand. I could have used the computer to access the Kendal Hogan workout I had planned to do but didn't want to go through the hassel so I checked out FITtv. A workout called Cathe Fitness was coming up at 12pm and decided what the heck? Cathe is the one front and center in the pic. So I grabbed all the weights I had and my gardening pad I use for push ups and was feeling pretty good about finding an alternative.

When the workout started I almost freaked out because Cathe Freidrich and the ladies on the screen were using 45 pound barbells but I quickly grabbed my heaviest weights and proceeded with the activity making modifications to accomodate the free weights I was using in lu of the barbells they were using. Okay, panic averted...or so I thought. The next set of exercises used a balance ball. I quickly ran back to my room to dig out the fitness ball only to find it deflated and without a pump to blow it up. Trying to think quickly I grabbed my two layer step used for THE FIRM workout (the fanny lifter) and made do with that the best I could for the stability exercises using the ball. In times where I would have reclined on the ball I laid on the floor.

Usually hurdles like these would prevent me from following through with a workout and I would find myself easily discouraged and give up for the day. Today I triumphed by thinking fast (since the exercise was on tv I couldn't pause it) making modifications in a workout and getting the same workout with the equipment I had. Now I know that when I don't have everything I think I need, instead of running from the workout I can and will get through it! Yay me!

By the way-Cathe freidrich is no joke. She laughs through the whole workout but she really puts you through your paces!

Skinny V. Strong

Besides wanting to lose weight to become thinner I often wonder why other people want to lose weight. I remember the contestants on THE BIGGEST LOSER season 4 where the contestants had Goal T-Shirts. There are of course health reasons for losing weight which are very much an importaant part of becoming a leaner, healthier you but what about FITNESS GOALS. I can't say I have every really had a solid fitness goal because I was always so focused on becoming a skinny version of myself rather than a healthier, stronger version. I have found that as I continue to search weight loss blogs, websites, and other sources I want more and more to become as strong as the women pictured or shown. It would be nice to be able to run a mile. I can't run down the street without feeling like my life is coming to an end heading straight into the white light. Strength and conditioning: to eventually become an athlete.

When I get discouraged I have to remember that excess weight is a side effect of poor eating habits, lack of activity, illness, etc. and can be corrected.

Besides 200 pound weight loss hopefuls aren't the only ones who have transformed their bodies: Demi Moore didn't always have that body! ;-) So it goes without saying that you have to start somewhere and not be afraid to exercise FAT. There's no other way to do it.

For added encouragement when I am overwhelmed by all of the changes I am making and struggling to make exercise a part of my daily routine and get down on myself because the weight isn't magically disappearing I remember the words of Mike Huckabee who said:

Take care of health and fitness and the weight will take care of itself.

Late Night Date

I refuse to let late night eating be a struggle so I have listed this entry as a neutral. I tend to eat late at night while I am watching tv. I am done eating for the day around 7 and then I wait around to watch shows that come on at 9, 10, and 11. Sometimes I'm hungry but sometimes I'm not but used to mindless snacking, especially when I am watching tv. That's my favorite thing: getting fast food to eat while watching tv or a movie at home. But I need my new mantra to be "FOOD IS NOT A HOBBY!" My goal for this week is to find alternatives to mindless eating at night and during the day when I find myself with nothing to do.

Food Wars

As hard as it is to get off the couch and exercise it's harder not to eat out of sheer habit. I tend to count calories when I start trying to do the healthy thing instead of the convenient thing. For me counting calories or having a good estimate of how many I'm putting into my mouth is a way to force myself to choose alternatives. If I have a 1500 calorie limit am I going to use them all on a burger and fries or am I going to eat a slice of pizza, salad, and have room for 3 more decent size meals and a snack? When you put it all on paper and you see how many more options you have when you choose nutrient dense foods instead of empty calories but...I become obsessive. When that happens I have to remind myself that:

1) Food isn't the enemy
2) I don't have to feel guilty if I want and eat that ice cream (as long as it's not the whole carton) and
3) EATING IS NOT A HOBBY!

Starting Strong, Staying Strong

The biggest issue I have and where I struggle with my self esteem the most is my weight. Over the past couple of years since graduating from college I have been through a lot of pure crap and I have resolved to do better for myself. Back in college (Second semester freshman year right after spring break) I was able to lose around 30 pounds using the Slimfast plan but I was a chronic exerciser. These days I can't handle being a crazy manic person. Did I mention I lost all the weight in two and a half months (going from 195 to 165)? Not the healthiest thing I had ever done. I was tired, weak, and slept most of the time. Needless to say I gained all of the weight back and then some. I graduated from college at 222 pounds (my highest weight was 226). I have managed to get down to 200 and I am looking for a way to lose weight without resorting to unhealthy eating habits.


In the past I have often "planned" to lose weight. I know that a goal without a plan will set you up for failure but my "plans" meant

a) Losing X amount of weight in an absurdly small amount of time, i.e. 60 pounds in 5 months. Maybe...but not likely

b) I had an all or nothing mentality where I would either eat the "right" foods and exercise daily or deem myself a massive FAILURE.

c) Finding THINSPIRATION or celebrities whose bodies I wanted to emulate. I have found that this definitely doesn't work because bodies vary by the individual and no matter what I am not them and will never have their body. I would also want the weight to come off way too fast and feel miserable when it didn't.

d) Restricting the foods I ate to the point that I would not go anywhere because there were foods I could not easily track in my notebook. Can you say CONTROL FREAK?

Failure would inevitably follow and I would give up and eat ravenously for a week or so and feel super guilty afterwords.

What to do, what to do?!

I have learned that I need INSPIRATION not THINSPIRATION. My role models need to be those women who are on the path to health and fitness; on a path to become stronger versions of themselves. I have also learned that besides this process becoming a lifestyle change I have to cut myself a lot of slack. I can eat what I want when I want and know that I am not then doomed to be fat for the rest of my life as long as I am eating consciously and holding myself accountable for what I eat. Instead of obsessing over food I am focusing on the types of foods I am putting into my mouth; whole foods and food with color are better for you than beige processed food, etc.

Getting up to exercise is another set of problems on its own. I know that without exercise losing weight amounts to losing water and muscle tissue which I definitely don't want but I HATE EXERCISING! Sure I drag myself off the couch and do it but I dread it. Like my previous food issues I would plan out a strict schedule and if I didn't adhere to it a mental lashing would follow where I would then stop exercising until the Monday where I was sure to get it together. With those schedules also came an inordinate amount of activity all at once where I would burn out after about two weeks. I can no longer do that to myself because the whole cycle is just too vicious and draining.

I am determined to take this weight loss journey one day at a time and do it the right way: slow and steady. My goal is to lose 5 pounds a month for a total weigh loss of 60 pounds by the end of the year. Before I would have mentally freaked out thinking that 5 pounds wouldn't be enough and a year is WAY TOO LONG! But I know that realistically if I had it in my mind to lose more than 5 pounds a month, after 12 months had passed I would most likely have lost a total of 5 pounds and I would be looking back at the year wondring where the time went and why I was still talking and worrying about my weight. That is no longer an option. In order for me to become a better person I need to take control of me and learn to let go of the bad stuff...

...HERE GOES NOTHING!

Yoga is NOT for the Weak

I tried power yoga for beginners and I have to say...Not for the faint. I did ballet for 13 years but this is nothing like that! I have never been the most flexible person alive but hitting those poses, holding them, and coming out of them was a complete struggle. I think I'll stick to the cardio and weight training for sure.