Sunday, January 24, 2010

UPDATES: Food Guilt and Moving On

So the past week...full of guilt. I have bean eating well through the day but then at the end of the day I eat over my caloric limit. The problem with that is I am only going over 1-200 calories which could be a bad thing but it is certainly not the end of the world. So why the panic?

When I used to workout I would exercise for at least 2 hours a day. This time I am easing into all of the exercise so I won't crash and burn. BUT I worked out in such a manic state because I thought that I was grotesque (I would workout for 2 hours a day and if I missed an hour or a planned exercise I would attach it to the 2 hour workout the next day! If I went over a specific amount of calories I would deduct that number from the calories I would have eaten the following day! CRAZY I know.). When I say grotesque I not only meant fat and repulsive but ugly; how are people able to look at my face ugly. I had decided that I could not be fat and ugly. Because I couldn't really do anything about changing my face I knew that I had to become thin and thus be a little more acceptable (blending in rather than sticking out as the ugly girl). This disfunctional thinking caused a lot of problems and was incredibly RIDICULOUS! I know now that there are days that I don;t feel 100% and FEEL ugly but that I am not in fact an ugly person on the inside or out.

But over the past week or so I have been having flashbacks of the emotional state I used to be in. I look at women that are my size and I think wow they're big and beautiful. When I look at myself I think wow I'm pretty big and I look like a cow. Each time I have worked out I have felt incredibly strong only to catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and see what I describe as disgusting. I know that weight loss is a process and it takes time; as I workout and change my bad habits I will become stronger and so on and so on...

I HATE working out and I don't want to waste my time going through it if I am not going to lose weight or lose weight and still look big. This issue had become my biggest fear. I have come close to talking myself out of workouts because I fear that I will be this size forever-so what's the point? I know weight loss is possible but sometimes... all this week I have been freaking out with every morsel of food that has gone in my mouth...I hate this...