Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Holding On and Letting Go

I am currently watching THE BIGGEST LOSER and Migdalia was threatening to quit after Jillian tried to be nice in order to open her up as she was isolating herself from the rest of the contestants. After she was getting nowhere per the advice of Bob Jillian got mean with her. She point blank told Migdalia that holding in all of her emotions and putting up this front was what had caused her to become over 300 pounds. Then she proceeded to tell her that her 9 year old daughter would end up overweight and unhappy like she was because she has been taught that crying and emotions are there to make someone "weak". With no other outlet in which to express herself would inevitably cause her to follow in her footsteps as she has followed in her mother's footsteps (for those unfamiliar with this season's biggest loser:  this season is another one with couples. Migdalia and Miggy are a mother daughter team. Migdalia has a 9 year old daughter at home). All of this got me thinking. Although Migdalia took all of the rationale as an insult, exploded and wanted to quit and go home, I completely agree with Jillian. It is important to note that unlike her usual expression Jillian was not yelling at Migdalia through her diatribe. "There is always more to losing weight than the food" INDEED. I have often substituted emotions with crying and blocking out the emotion with food. I thought that if I could find something I enjoy like eating or hanging out with and around other people I could hold down the emotion when I had nowhere else to turn. Since I am often by myself and feel like I am complaining I feel I can only cry to myself and hold all of my emotions inside. Without a viable outlet I turn to food for comfort whether I am aware of it or not. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that I like to eat in front of the tv in order to forget or numb whatever is currently bothering me leading to mindless eating. But it doesn't end there.

I have to confess that I tend to panic. If anyone has ever had a panic attack you know how that feels. Since I have nowhere to process or expel my emotions I also hold onto things from whenever. Sometimes out of the blue I will remember a past experience or situation and obsess about what I could have done, should have said, what I am missing out on and how my life is "the worse off" for it even if that is logically not the case. I spend most of the time talking myself off of a ledge, sometimes for no reason at all.

It has been so easy for me to turn to food because it has always been the one constant in my life. 99.9% of the time it's always good. There's always something for you to choose from for whatever mood you happen to be in. Turning to sex wouldn't work because my body image halts any kind of idea of intimacy in any way, turning to furthering myself academically ( I have a Bachelor of Science in Textiles btut would love to go back to school to pursue a masters degree) or career wise is stopped by the fear of failure. But I have suffered for this attitude towards food, body image, and overall mentality that I am not good enough to succeed in whatever I want in life. In the end my one comfort in the end has failed me and continued this vicious cycle of self hatred/abuse and lack of motivation.

The first step to changing is to acknowledge your feelings and deal with them in the open (finding an outlet that allows you to let go and move on so you can live your life as you are and not someone else you are trying to emulate), stop living in the past (dwelling on the what could have or should have been) and giving yourself some slack.